The hospital...

     There are many things that ran through my mind when we entered the doors of the hospital on that late September day.  After having had five healthy children it was extremely hard to deal with this new reality that we would not be taking a living baby home with us.  Trying to push those old experiences to the side and keep them there was a challenge.  Immaculee deserved all of our focus, no old memories or experiences, only new ones today.  There was anxiety and fear that loomed over my head that if given into could have taken over and sent me running back out the doors.  I asked God to help me focus on taking things one step at a time.  I still remember the smell of the ink from the newspapers in the lobby, the aroma from the coffee lingering through the hospital entrance, the warm smile on the volunteer's face and the knot in my stomach as we rode in the elevator.  I was looking for something on the other side that would make all of this partially joy filled or hopeful.  I remember approaching the nursery with the desire to see new life.  The desire to know that all was still right with the world as ours had come crashing down.  Sure enough there was a tiny baby with a pink hat lying in her crib when we walked by the nursery.  I did experience joy in that moment and it was a comfort to me to see that small miracle.  My joy soon turned to sadness as we turned the corner and walked down the hallway to the nurses station.  We did not have so say a word to them, you could sense their sadness for us.  Our nurse Kim was waiting with compassionate hugs for both of us.  I tried to keep partial composure.  Kim walked us to the last labor and delivery room at the end of the hallway.  Once inside, she encouraged us to take our time and when we were ready to crack the door.  From this point on, we did take things one step at a time.  I sat on Jeff's lap and cried for a few minutes, we talked about every other time we'd arrived in a labor and delivery room and how we had so seriously taken our five healthy, living, breathing child birth experiences for granted.  I am not sure what prompted me to get a picture of myself pregnant before changing, but I will be forever grateful for this picture, as it helps keep her memory alive.  I changed into my gown and robe and sat in the window with the sun on my back and Jeff at my side.  Together we waited for Kim to return.