I knew this was going to hurt...

Christmas preparations are pretty much complete at our house.  Jeff and I had a wrapping date tonight while Bain stayed with my parents and the other kids with Jeff's parents.  This week has been one of both joy and continued grief.  I was able to spend some time in church in prayer and had a good confession with Father Dave.  We watched the Nativity Story last night, so I feel my heart is ready to receive the Christ child.  Kalea and I spent much time finishing our Christmas baking, and there was the reminder that I will never have this experience with Immaculee.  Bain had his concert at school and I could not stop myself from wondering how cute she would have been up on stage someday.  We went to Bain's Christmas party at school and there again was another reminder of what could have been.  The girls and I crawled into our bed tonight for Christmas vacation snuggling and another void (my belly should be the size of Santa's).  Tonight I had nothing to wrap for my heavenly baby, no way of giving her anything or showing her our love.  It takes total surrender to God.  With trust I know that Christmas in heaven for her will be unbelievable!  I look forward to seeing the faces of our children light up on Christmas Eve and just wish to see Immaculee's.  I wonder who will be holding her, what she is wearing and what that sweet little face of hers will look like.  God give me the grace.

How I am coping...

It has been awhile since my last post.  The last two weeks were tough ones!  Giving a child back to God is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I used to say to family in the early days of her diagnosis that it was selfish of me to want to keep her here with us, when she was God's to begin with.  I remember spending hours at night weeping at the thought of how we were going to say goodbye to Immaculee if she made it to term and would die in our arms.  I tried to prepare myself for this situation but never found peace with it.  I kept questioning how God could give us the strength to do so and how I could say goodbye without having regrets.  It's amazing how God had all of that planned and I never had to face my worries.  I would have given anything to have held her live body instead of her sleeping body.  Even if it did mean having her die in our arms.  However, part of me is grateful that God took her in the warmth and quiet of my womb.  Chances are she would have been whisked off to surgery immediately after delivery had she survived.  I am happy for her that she did not have to experience being taken from us and poked and prodded on by doctors and nurses and endured surgery.  I can only imagine her entrance into heaven as we know how much God loves his little ones. 


As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reliving the same seasonal nine month pregnancy with an empty womb, that is all too familiar to me having had two healthy pregnancies during this same season.  I am recalling very meaningful spiritual experiences that I had with Bain and Bennett.  The rosary has always been my biggest and best source of comfort.  I loved reciting the joyful, glorious and luminous mysteries with the boys, correlating Mary's pregnancy with mine.  And envisioning what she must have been experiencing in her body and spirit.  Wondering if Jesus was kicking her as much as my lively boys were kicking me or if she was craving anything out of the ordinary.  My love of the rosary has recently been focused on the sorrowful mysteries and the seven sorrows of Mary.  Who better to ask intercession from than a woman who witnessed her son's brutal death?  She has been there with heartache a million times greater than mine.  I feel that I am not alone in my sorrow when I go to her and God's will becomes easier to bear.  Things continue to be revealed to me as I pray these beads.  What a gift we have in the rosary!


I have been busy with Christmas preparations as is most of the world.  Last weekend I was able to get almost all of my shopping done in Sioux Falls.  Jeff kept Bain and Bennett and my parents Briggs and the girls.  I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and enjoyed their company.  It was good to get away and have some time to myself.  I am now trying to focus on Christ's coming and enjoying this special time with family as it seems to go so fast!  Kalea has been making sure we keep up with baking...love her so much!  Mya and Bain are looking forward to Christmas vacation.  Bennett and his Daddy are inseparable and Briggs has recently discovered Christmas cookies!  I have started running.  I am up to 2.5 miles per day and can't believe how great it has been for me physically but more so mentally.  I seriously cannot believe December is half over!  I hope everyone is enjoying this time and gets lost in its true meaning. 

                      
http://www.sevensorrows.com/explanation.htm

all the pretty things...

I never imagined that I would be decorating a grave for Christmas, but it is my new reality.  Last week the kids picked some things out for Immaculee's grave and yesterday we just had to get them out.  Kalea wanted to go in her pajamas and so she did!  Bennett even took a break from fixing fence to "put all the pretty things on Mack q way's grave"!  We listened to Christmas music from the van while we worked away.  I am having feelings of deep sadness as we turn the calender to December.  I have been down this road with two other pregnancies.  Bennett and Bain were both born in January.  Bennett was on the 24th and Bain on the 20th.  Immaculee's due date was the 21st.  It is my favorite month to have a baby as Jeff is home more and we can stay in our warm house rocking and nursing a new baby with nowhere to go.  I know exactly what I'd be telling the kids today.  "Just think it's already December less than two months before the baby comes.  We know how fast Christmas will be here and we just have a few weeks in January."  I miss my sweet baby girl, God give me strength to get through this.

                           Before picture, the kids were amazed how mushy the pumpkin was.

                                                                     working hard...

                                                        Proud of their accomplishment!