Bennett and the Angels

I have always been a firm believer in children being able to see things that we adults cannot see.  Maybe it is their ability to believe without ever questioning.  Perhaps we as adults don't take the time to be still and listen with curiosity.  Or maybe God chose only the innocent to reveal certain things to.  

As we relive this week of Immaculee's birthday I am reminded of my Bennett.  On this night one year ago today, our little two year old would not settle down for bed.  Jeff and I tried everything and exhausted our efforts.  I brought him to bed with me while Jeff was in the shower.  This little fireball was so full of energy that I did not think he would ever settle down for the night.  I gave in and laughed and joked with him for awhile.  Looking at the time I became frustrated and with little energy left tried to get him to be still.  Realizing it was a lost cause, I let him do his thing.  About ten minutes later he became very still while looking up at the ceiling and with a serious look and voice told me "Mama, there are angels all up in this room".  I the inpatient adult said back to him "Bennett calm down and get some sleep".  He again made himself clear and repeated what he had just said and calmed down for the night.  

After Immaculee was born Dr. Eichfield told us she thought that she had been gone for about three days.  At that moment everything clicked.  How foolish I was not to have known I was in the presence of something magnificent.  I am convinced that God sent Angels to take our baby to heaven.  I am so grateful God revealed this to my little Bennett and find such comfort in it.   

 

already a miracle...

    Lately it seems as though I am reliving  the events that unfolded for roughly a month from the time of Immaculee's diagnosis till the time of her death.   I remember Dr.  Eichfield telling me that someone from Sanford would be contacting us to set up our first appointment.  I remember that phone call.  We were scheduled to see a Geneticist, scheduled for an ultrasound then scheduled to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr.  I still remember his name as though it will be with me forever.  We were set up for the Wednesday before Labor Day.  It was after this phone call that I realized nothing about this was going to be routine or uncomplicated from this point on. 

     We had to wait four days to get "answers".  As anyone who has ever had to wait for medical diagnosis, time is the worst enemy.  By this time I had given myself ample opportunity to research Immaculee's primary diagnosis of a Cystic Hygroma (a wet tumor on the back of her neck).  The knowledge of her short limbs was something that seemed so very minor. 

     The first appointment of the day was with the Geneticist.  He was trying to get to the core of why we were expecting a child such as Immaculee.  We went through extensive questions about our family history.  He tried to explain, as best he could, possible diagnosis that usually accompany Cystic Hygromas and short limbs.  Of course we could not escape his conversation without him bringing up our "options".  Little did we know this would be the first trigger of our day.  Jeff and I were holding hands upon his mention of this and I could feel him tense up, his facial expressions and the muscles in his body.  We made it very clear that we would not take the life of our child.  If God's will for her was to die then he would make that decision for us.  I could tell this man knew he struck a cord with my husband and tried to sugar coat his previous statement. 

After finishing with the Geneticist it was time for our ultrasound.  We sat in the waiting room for what seemed a good half hour.  My mind kept thinking that all of this had to be a dream.  I told Jeff, "Honey, wouldn't it be a miracle if when we go in to have our ultrasound they tell us that there is nothing wrong and that our baby is perfectly healthy!"  He did not skip a beat and told me that our baby was already a miracle, she was a miracle for being created and for making it this far along gestationally with all of her complications. 

This one statement made me fall in head over heals in love all over again with my husband.  How true his statement was and still is!

much anticipated...

     Greetings from the land of the busy Mama!  I really can't believe that it has been so long since my last post!!  I'll just say Summer was busy and brought a quiet wave of grief that was so often not expressed.  I can't believe we are approaching Immaculee's one year birthday this month.  It's as though I would not even have to look a calender to know that this date is coming.  My body feels it coming on.  A mother knows, she senses these things.  We were made to never forget our children, even if they are heavenly, not earthly.  Immaculee spent 24 weeks within me and my mind, heart and body can never forget that. 

     Tonight while en route to come home from picking the kids up from my parents house, after work, my Jeff called.  His voice as sincere as ever.  He wanted to let me know that the "stone" was here.  (We have been waiting for Immaculee's head stone for months.  Both realizing that good things come to those who wait we were content with waiting.  The only hope we had was that it would get here by the 27th.)

     Jeff was waiting on the front step for us with the same look I saw a year ago during all of the genetic tests, waiting, labor/delivery and her funeral.  My sweet, vulnerable Jeff!  We drove out to the cemetery to find the most perfect memorial for our baby.  Tears of joy engulfed me upon this site!!  We can not believe how perfect it looks. 

     I praise you Father for the peace that is here in my heart!

Lord, it is good that we are here...

     Eventhough it was weeks ago, my heart and mind are still trying to process the beautiful Memorial Day ceremony our church put on.  I never expected to yearn for my church family as much as I have during my years as a wife and mother.  It is with much love and joy that I look forward to Sunday Mass and to visiting with members of our church.  Father Dave and the Sisters certainly know how to embrace the children God has given them. 

     Jeff and the little boys did some farming that morning as we had spent much time at Immaculee's grave the day before.  Mya and Bain were camping with friends, so were not able to go with us.  Kalea, along with Jeff's Mom, Mary Jo and my parents were once again a great support system for me on that day.  I had to keep reminding myself of how new this whole experience was to us all.  Here our parents were visiting the grave of their youngest grandchild on memorial day.  This picture did not seem right.  I can't imagine the grief they have felt through this whole process.  Their's had to be magnified more than I can begin to comprehend.  Watching your children grieve, and your grandchildren grieve while they themselves grieved. 

Making sure everything looks good on little sister's grave.

Kalea and Mommy during the prayer service

Walking to Immaculee's grave with Mary Jo and Sister Miriam

Dad lead the rosary while we waited for Father to come bless the grave.  Probably my favorite part of the day!  (Notice how Mom is not in any of the pictures?  Thanks for photographing Mom!!)

I can't help but wonder where her guardian angel stands guard.

Blessing with holy water.

Father telling us the number of Masses that have been offered for our family since Immaculee's passing and how even though her life was very short she continues to touch other's while the purpose of her life is still unfolding.

A gift from the Mary Kuhlman family.  We received this the weekend of Immaculee's due date.

I was happy one of my favorite little Mamas and I could share in the day.  Chiara (Cournoyer) Bruguier with her children  Our Kalea Jo is named after her Kalia Morning Star.  (Kalia Morning Star on the far right)

Everyone lining up to thank the Veterans

The sounds of Native drums filled the air.

Our baby's peaceful spot

Eagle flying over the cemetary right before the ceremony. 


The day was a great reminder of God's eternal love for us, and the Hope that we have.

hey baby...

It doesn't get any better than this...

Grandpa Mike says baby has Mommy's nose!

One of the baby's favorite positions, arm up by the head.  Just how Mya used to sleep!

Nice leg and foot!

Another leg shot with the umbilical cord inserting into the placenta.

Left arm

A picture of baby opening and closing his/her mouth.  Daddy says he/she is singing the lyrics to Springsteen!

20 weeks...

We have our 20 week ultrasound today.  I have been reflecting for quite some time now about the sheer irony of this past year.  In my mind school ending was the trigger for all of these thoughts.  We started the school year out with joyful anticipation of Immaculee's 20 week ultrasound, and we ended the school year with joyful anticipation of this baby's 20 week ultrasound.  Filling in the blanks of what happened in between the beginning and the end of the school year seems like a dream.  I still really cannot wrap my mind around all that has happened.  Time is healing us and the blessings of Immaculee's short life continue to unfold in our daily lives and the lives of our parents and siblings.  I believe we will never fully know how many people were touched by her life.  I cannot help but think back to the eve of Immaculee's 20 week ultrasound.  How ignorant I was to take for granted that we would roll into town, get a sneak peak of our healthy baby, pick up groceries on the way home and return to life as usual.  Everything changed on that day, everything!  From that moment on, everything was different, each hour had a numbness to it, each night seemed like morning would never come and that gut wrenching crying would never cease.  Our Faith was challenged, our Love put to the test and our Hope deepened.  We clung to the hope of miracles but surrendered to God's infinite wisdom and His will.  I think about all of the people who have been there for us and helped us through this school year.  And I think of our children, the life lessons they have had to learn and the sadness that accompanies them.  I think of their little minds and hearts and how they even began to process all that has happened in their world.  I think of them holding the body of their Sister after she was born and their innocent questions.  It seems like an awful lot for a family to go through, but it has made us stronger, our Faith stronger, our Hope stronger and our Love stronger.  So today, I will go to the ultrasound of this new baby, with a prayer that all would be well and if it is not, that Christ would give me the strength to surrender to God's will once again.

Mya on the first day of school 2011-2012

Bain receiving his Kindergarten diploma for the year 2011-2012


I heard this song just a few days after Immaculee's ultrasound and fell in love with it, it summed up my feelings and still does.  I knew in the moment of diagnosis that God would carry us through and in the end everything would be OK.  I just did not know the road he was going to take us down and definitely did not expect so many wonderful things happening during the shedding of our tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vF4tc9QREY

International Bereaved Mother's Day...

I was a little late with this one.  International Bereaved Mother's Day was celebrated on May 5th.  It is nice to know this exists.  Looking back on Mother's Days past, I have been completely oblivious to those Moms around me who might have been experiencing heart ache on such a special day.  To all those Moms who have lost children from babies on up to adults, Happy Mother's Day.  Here's hoping that through the journey you find peace, the kind of peace that only Christ can give. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

A good day....

I was able to hear our baby's heartbeat yesterday during a checkup, sigh of relief!  Everything is on track and looking good!  The next appointment is in four weeks and we will have a 20 week ultrasound at that time.  Time sure is flying!  As if that was not enough goodness for one day I was also able to see some of my favorite nurses from the OB floor at Avera Sacred Heart!!  I was finally able to part with this beautiful picture we have had in our home since Christmas.  (truth be told, I bought another just like it!)  I was going to keep this with us until my next trip to Yankton, but just could not let it go!  We wanted to do a memorial for the hospital in memory of our Immaculee and tossed around ideas for awhile.  Jeff came up with this idea.  Sister Pat Mylott had given us a small picture copied from the computer after we had Kalea and it has been hanging on one of our walls ever since.  I've always loved it, but never imagined the reality of Jesus holding one of our babies close to him someday. 

                                                                                  (left to right)  Jen, myself, Renee and Kim

Jen also has five children at home and has cared for almost all of our babies.  She has such a fun personality, is so sincere and very supportive.  Renee is a former "Wagner girl", whoop, whoop!  She does an awesome job as the head of the department.  Even though she has a status that is higher than the other nurses, she is always ready to jump in and help with anything on the floor.  Kim, the angel that helped deliver and care for our angel. She treated Immaculee (and the rest of us )with such dignity and respect .  Yesterday was the first time I've seen Kim since she helped load us into our van at the hospital, needless to say, I got a little choked up.   Love you girls, you are like family to us.

 Amazing, isn't it?

I never thought that I'd be presenting this picture to the hospital while expecting another baby!  Bittersweet I guess.  Still grieving the loss of one child while joyfully awaiting the arrival of another.  One day at a time.  

EASTER JOY...

It is no secret that my blogging has slowed down.  Much of my focus over the last few months has been on getting sleep, keeping the early sickness of the first twelve weeks of pregnancy at a minimum and managing my time in a manner that is family focused.  It is not that I do not think of writing, everyday there are things I think about writing, and in due time it will all come out over the keyboard of my computer. 


By now most of you have heard our wonderful news!  Expecting our seventh child has been a true blessing.  We are so very happy, Jeff, myself and the kids.  It's incredible to think that this baby was conceived around the time of Immaculee's due date.  I can't help but think she had a hand in all of this.  So we move forward one day at a time trying not to focus too often about this baby's due date or the sight of our children holding this child.  But just to relish in the everyday, thanking God for his goodness and that we have another day with this baby.  Thanks so much for all of the support, it's nice to know we are being thought of and prayed for.

healthy baby at 14 weeks

This past Easter was a beautiful one.  Never before has the Resurrection stirred up so much contemplation in this lady.  I wonder if I would have felt this way had it not been for loosing Immaculee.  To think that our Blessed Mother stood with a broken heart, shattered dreams, completely and utterly confused at the foot of the cross.  I have correlated my sorrows with hers in the past but it is mind blowing to think that just as her child was raised from the dead, someday mine will be also.  It was with great focus and curiosity that we celebrated this year.  We have told the kids (just as the church teaches) ever since the day Immaculee died that someday Jesus would make her new again, he would raise her from the dead at His second coming.  Sometimes I am taken back by how intently they believe this and even plan for it.  It is brought up on daily basis at our house.  In fact Bennett told me recently that when he gets enough money, he is going to buy a very tiny horse, so when Jesus makes Immacuee come out of the ground she can have a horse to ride.  Kalea wants to buy little things for her whenever we go shopping or she wants to keep her clothes out that do not fit her anymore so Immaculee has something to wear when she comes again.  Child like belief, pure and innocent.  I am so thankful for these reminders that surround me.  And so it is, HE IS TRULY RISEN, HE IS MAKING ALL THINGS NEW AGAIN.  I BELIEVE IN THE RESURRECTION OF THE BODY AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE LIFE OF THE WORLD TO COME. 

Mother, do not cry for me, all of this is exactly how it is supposed to be.

The hospital...

     There are many things that ran through my mind when we entered the doors of the hospital on that late September day.  After having had five healthy children it was extremely hard to deal with this new reality that we would not be taking a living baby home with us.  Trying to push those old experiences to the side and keep them there was a challenge.  Immaculee deserved all of our focus, no old memories or experiences, only new ones today.  There was anxiety and fear that loomed over my head that if given into could have taken over and sent me running back out the doors.  I asked God to help me focus on taking things one step at a time.  I still remember the smell of the ink from the newspapers in the lobby, the aroma from the coffee lingering through the hospital entrance, the warm smile on the volunteer's face and the knot in my stomach as we rode in the elevator.  I was looking for something on the other side that would make all of this partially joy filled or hopeful.  I remember approaching the nursery with the desire to see new life.  The desire to know that all was still right with the world as ours had come crashing down.  Sure enough there was a tiny baby with a pink hat lying in her crib when we walked by the nursery.  I did experience joy in that moment and it was a comfort to me to see that small miracle.  My joy soon turned to sadness as we turned the corner and walked down the hallway to the nurses station.  We did not have so say a word to them, you could sense their sadness for us.  Our nurse Kim was waiting with compassionate hugs for both of us.  I tried to keep partial composure.  Kim walked us to the last labor and delivery room at the end of the hallway.  Once inside, she encouraged us to take our time and when we were ready to crack the door.  From this point on, we did take things one step at a time.  I sat on Jeff's lap and cried for a few minutes, we talked about every other time we'd arrived in a labor and delivery room and how we had so seriously taken our five healthy, living, breathing child birth experiences for granted.  I am not sure what prompted me to get a picture of myself pregnant before changing, but I will be forever grateful for this picture, as it helps keep her memory alive.  I changed into my gown and robe and sat in the window with the sun on my back and Jeff at my side.  Together we waited for Kim to return.

They are here!

Any woman who has ever been pregnant will tell you that sharing her pregnancy with a fellow "pregger"  is something they will remember and correlate dates with for the rest of their life.  There is an unspoken bond, a sisterhood that goes along with the protruding bellies.  It may not even be someone they know very well, a friend of a friend or perhaps just an acquaintance.  During my pregnancy with Immaculee I was happy to share the experience with some wonderful women!  I am so excited for all of them and their families!  Some of the babies were first for these women, others were second or third children.  I am elated that these little ones have arrived healthy and safe and that their Mama's are doing great! 

Welcome to the world sweet babies, may you always know you are loved and cherished!

Cooper Gene

Rylan Michael

Cade Nicholas
Luke Robert

Austin Brielle

Kahler Lee

Brock Nolan

Ella Grace

update...

Wow, it has been awhile!  Things around here are getting easier as the recent wave of grief was pretty intense.  It's crazy how I continue to experience the ups and downs.  I know that this can last for a year or longer and am giving in to all of it. 

Jeff and I were able to get away for four days and celebrate our upcoming ten year anniversary!  It was wonderful to have each other all to ourselves.  Thanks to our parents for keeping the kids!  We enjoyed time at the new Grand Falls Casino Resort near Sioux Falls.  We ate, drank, shopped and had us some lazy time.  I would highly recommend the resort to anyone, especially the spa!  While we were away we picked out a headstone for Immaculee.  It was harder than I thought it would be, but we made it through.  Jeff had some awesome ideas of things he wanted to include on the stone, the man continues to amaze me.  He is my rock.  (Immaculee, your Daddy loves you so much!)

Other than dealing with the daily what should have been or what could have been, I continue to feel blessed to have my family and my faith.  I experienced an overwhelming comfort two weeks ago at the celebration of Mass.  I have always believed that Christ is truly present in the Holy Eucharist, without a doubt.  Feeling extreme sadness one Sunday as I approached Him, calm soon came over me and I made the connection that this same Lord I was about to receive is the same Lord that holds my baby girl in heaven.  I felt a new dimension to my relationship with God that was altogether different than any connection I have had with Him before. I am so amazed at how in those moments when I receive Him, he allows a brief closeness of Immaculee and I through Him.  His blessings continue.


http://www.therealpresence.org/eucharst/mir/engl_mir.htm

http://www.therealpresence.org/eucharst/holycom/holycomm.htm

January 21, 2012 (due date)

MY MIND
As I sit here writing tonight, I really do not know how I have gotten to this time and date.  Looking back, the last few months seem like a fuzzy memory to me.  It's like when you are driving and all at once, you don't recall going past land marks, but you know you did.  That's what it feels like for me.  I have been living daily life, but don't recall some of the events of daily life that have happened. 

MY BODY
I believe my body still thinks that I am pregnant.  I have been struggling with sleep for probably the last month or so.  I have a hard time going to sleep and wake up during the night.  I can't say that I am stressed or have anything major on my mind, I just can't sleep normally.  The first couple weeks of this, I was really trying to analyze what was going on.  Then I recalled the same sleeping habits with  previous five pregnancies.  The last month of pregnancy, I just struggled to fall asleep and would wake up during the night.  I really can't say that I was uncomfortable, I just could not sleep.  I have been struggling to loose some weight and my body has been clinging to its pregnancy pounds.  There are others, but I will spare you the info. 

MY SPIRIT
Today I am in a fairly decent mood, I have had my "poor me" moments; moments of crying and moments of numbness.  Overall I am just feeling empty.  I just want to hold her again.  I would love to know what she looks like right now and long for her to come to me in my dreams.  (I have been told that this will happen and understand that it could take years, so I wait patiently.)  I also know that we will see her again someday and cling to the promise of eternal life.

I guess through nothing short of God's grace I have made it to this day and almost through it.

Isaiah 30:15

By waiting and by calm you shall be healed, in quiet and in trust your strength lies.  Isaiah 30:15


I found this today while cleaning in the office.  Amy Doom, one of my dearest friends (and one of my biggest prayer warriors) sent us a card while I was pregnant with Immaculee and included this Bible verse.  Amazing how some verses are so versatile!  What I thought this verse meant to me just took on a whole new meaning.  Love it!!

Here it comes...

     We have been receiving letters from formula companies for about a week now.  They all are putting their pitch in for our business.  What they don't know is that our heavenly baby does not require such products and that this Mama aches a little inside each time I see one come through the mail.  Normally this was a sweet reminder of what was to come, a tiny baby relying solely on Mommy for nutrients.  This time around it is just a cruel reminder of what should have been. 


     The calender is not shy about hiding the reality that the 21st is right around the corner.  Jeff and I were talking about this over the weekend and I asked him, "I wonder how I will handle it,  Do you think I will be a wreck?  Or will it be just another day to me?"  I have obviously been on edge lately.  I find myself short with the kids and with Jeff.  I am not a person to pick fights but I definitely feel like I could.  I feel angry!  I have screamed, wanted to punch a wall, and would rather be silent than engage in most conversations.  I want to cry (allot) and at times, look for a reason to do so.  I find myself being justified in my feelings, because I have really never felt true anger about this loss and I've been told to expect it and embrace it.  I guess it is starting to creep in and that is a good thing, because it means I am grieving in a normal way.  I had listened to a woman talk about the loss of her infant child during an interview.  The interviewer asked the question, "what advice would you give to other women faced with the loss of a child?"  The woman's responses were extremely rich in wisdom and my favorite was, "to always tell God how you are feeling". 


So, here I am Lord! I know your plan is an extension of your love for me and that through this loss you are drawing me ever closer to you.  But I come to you angry, my baby should be in my arms and she is not.  Help me to find my way back to your perfect peace.

And so this is Christmas...

I'm back again!  I took some time off from technology to soak up all of the sites and sounds from our home and just really relish in the Christmas graces.  I hope all of you are enjoying this season!  I keep telling the kids that we are STILL celebrating Christmas.  How fast the world wants us to forget!  Good thing I have Christmas music on CD and DVR, cause it can't be found on radio and most TV stations. 

One of my greatest joys this Christmas was that our parents and Jeff's brother Jason got to witness all of the commotion after coming home to find that Santa had come during Mass on Christmas Eve .  It was so special having them with us!  I love that our children had both sets of grandparents and that our parents were able to relive special moments from our childhoods.  It was also a treat to have five extra adults to assemble toys and gadgets with us! 

We went to the nursing home Christmas day to visit my Grandmother and I enjoyed her enjoying my kids.  I was taken back to my childhood and going to her home for Christmas Eve, so many good times.  Yet, that day, she was there in the nursing home, not able to get out and join in the family celebration for the first time in her life.  The leader of the pack now sitting in a wheelchair relying on others for basic needs.  It's funny how life comes full circle isn't it?

The days after Christmas have brought us many unforgettable moments with family and friends, that will be cherished forever.  Jeff's sister Kelly and her husband Ben joined us for most of last week and it was awesome to have them with us again!  They are so special to us.  Christmas on my side of the family was wonderful as well!  Our newlyweds to be, my brother Ryan and his pretty Brittany got us all thinking of the fun we will have celebrating with them in July.  My brother Ross and his girlfriend Jen brought even more fun to the table when playing cards.  I can't imagine this holiday without family and our children near us.

My emotions did not fully rear their head until the day after Christmas.  I was hit with my sadness like a ton of bricks that boxed me in and there was no escaping.  I found myself crying for most of the day, unexpected, I have to admit.  I thought that Christmas Eve or Day would be horrible.  But, no, the day after!  I think I was so focused on getting all of the food and presents ready that my emotions took a backseat.  (She was so thought about on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, in fact Mass was a hard thing to get through dry eyed.  Away in a manger took me back to that hospital bed where we held our little girl for the first time.)  We celebrated Christmas with Jeff's family on this Monday.  I know they have seen me and my tears before but for some reason I felt like this should be a happy time and I should not bring others down with me.  I drove out to the cemetery with Kalea in the afternoon, thinking that would help, but it seemed to make things worse.  I tried to keep my distance at home for awhile before going back to the celebration.  Once back, I could keep it in, just barely!  Supper starting and Jeff's Grandpa Bert not joining us for the first time ever was the end for me.  I could feel the unspoken sadness in the room and see it in my husband's eyes.  I fed Biggs off to the side with teary eyes.  When it was time for me to eat I had to go downstairs and let everything loose for quite awhile.  I am happy to say that the night got better.  A little of my brother in laws humor and a hug seemed to be just what I needed.  He hugged me saying that it was OK to cry like hell, that he was there for me like everyone else in the house.  Spark is a septic and waste specialist and assured me that while he is pumping others septic tanks, he is part time counselor.  He offered his services telling me that I would not believe the things people share with him and seek his counsel on!

I thank you Lord for your steadfast love, the memories we have and your abundance of grace and humor during periods of intense grief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, many blessings this new year!