I knew this was going to hurt...

Christmas preparations are pretty much complete at our house.  Jeff and I had a wrapping date tonight while Bain stayed with my parents and the other kids with Jeff's parents.  This week has been one of both joy and continued grief.  I was able to spend some time in church in prayer and had a good confession with Father Dave.  We watched the Nativity Story last night, so I feel my heart is ready to receive the Christ child.  Kalea and I spent much time finishing our Christmas baking, and there was the reminder that I will never have this experience with Immaculee.  Bain had his concert at school and I could not stop myself from wondering how cute she would have been up on stage someday.  We went to Bain's Christmas party at school and there again was another reminder of what could have been.  The girls and I crawled into our bed tonight for Christmas vacation snuggling and another void (my belly should be the size of Santa's).  Tonight I had nothing to wrap for my heavenly baby, no way of giving her anything or showing her our love.  It takes total surrender to God.  With trust I know that Christmas in heaven for her will be unbelievable!  I look forward to seeing the faces of our children light up on Christmas Eve and just wish to see Immaculee's.  I wonder who will be holding her, what she is wearing and what that sweet little face of hers will look like.  God give me the grace.

How I am coping...

It has been awhile since my last post.  The last two weeks were tough ones!  Giving a child back to God is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I used to say to family in the early days of her diagnosis that it was selfish of me to want to keep her here with us, when she was God's to begin with.  I remember spending hours at night weeping at the thought of how we were going to say goodbye to Immaculee if she made it to term and would die in our arms.  I tried to prepare myself for this situation but never found peace with it.  I kept questioning how God could give us the strength to do so and how I could say goodbye without having regrets.  It's amazing how God had all of that planned and I never had to face my worries.  I would have given anything to have held her live body instead of her sleeping body.  Even if it did mean having her die in our arms.  However, part of me is grateful that God took her in the warmth and quiet of my womb.  Chances are she would have been whisked off to surgery immediately after delivery had she survived.  I am happy for her that she did not have to experience being taken from us and poked and prodded on by doctors and nurses and endured surgery.  I can only imagine her entrance into heaven as we know how much God loves his little ones. 


As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reliving the same seasonal nine month pregnancy with an empty womb, that is all too familiar to me having had two healthy pregnancies during this same season.  I am recalling very meaningful spiritual experiences that I had with Bain and Bennett.  The rosary has always been my biggest and best source of comfort.  I loved reciting the joyful, glorious and luminous mysteries with the boys, correlating Mary's pregnancy with mine.  And envisioning what she must have been experiencing in her body and spirit.  Wondering if Jesus was kicking her as much as my lively boys were kicking me or if she was craving anything out of the ordinary.  My love of the rosary has recently been focused on the sorrowful mysteries and the seven sorrows of Mary.  Who better to ask intercession from than a woman who witnessed her son's brutal death?  She has been there with heartache a million times greater than mine.  I feel that I am not alone in my sorrow when I go to her and God's will becomes easier to bear.  Things continue to be revealed to me as I pray these beads.  What a gift we have in the rosary!


I have been busy with Christmas preparations as is most of the world.  Last weekend I was able to get almost all of my shopping done in Sioux Falls.  Jeff kept Bain and Bennett and my parents Briggs and the girls.  I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and enjoyed their company.  It was good to get away and have some time to myself.  I am now trying to focus on Christ's coming and enjoying this special time with family as it seems to go so fast!  Kalea has been making sure we keep up with baking...love her so much!  Mya and Bain are looking forward to Christmas vacation.  Bennett and his Daddy are inseparable and Briggs has recently discovered Christmas cookies!  I have started running.  I am up to 2.5 miles per day and can't believe how great it has been for me physically but more so mentally.  I seriously cannot believe December is half over!  I hope everyone is enjoying this time and gets lost in its true meaning. 

                      
http://www.sevensorrows.com/explanation.htm

all the pretty things...

I never imagined that I would be decorating a grave for Christmas, but it is my new reality.  Last week the kids picked some things out for Immaculee's grave and yesterday we just had to get them out.  Kalea wanted to go in her pajamas and so she did!  Bennett even took a break from fixing fence to "put all the pretty things on Mack q way's grave"!  We listened to Christmas music from the van while we worked away.  I am having feelings of deep sadness as we turn the calender to December.  I have been down this road with two other pregnancies.  Bennett and Bain were both born in January.  Bennett was on the 24th and Bain on the 20th.  Immaculee's due date was the 21st.  It is my favorite month to have a baby as Jeff is home more and we can stay in our warm house rocking and nursing a new baby with nowhere to go.  I know exactly what I'd be telling the kids today.  "Just think it's already December less than two months before the baby comes.  We know how fast Christmas will be here and we just have a few weeks in January."  I miss my sweet baby girl, God give me strength to get through this.

                           Before picture, the kids were amazed how mushy the pumpkin was.

                                                                     working hard...

                                                        Proud of their accomplishment!

thankful...

I was having a conversation with our son Bain a few nights ago.  He was asking me if Immaculee was still in my tummy how big I would be right now.  I explained to him that I would probably be bigger than a basketball.  He grinned and we talked about how we could have been spending this Thanksgiving.  Part of me was sad.  She still should be in my stomach.  I should have had a plateful of desserts after Thanksgiving dinner and not be worried about getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I should be putting my feet up at night after decorating the house for Christmas with her in my womb.  I should be getting baby clothes out and making sure Briggs is sleeping in a bigger bed.  These are the moments I have to take a deep breath and remember to be thankful that God chose us to carry his angel, even though it was too short.  I remind myself of our healthy children, my awesome husband and that all of our basic needs are met.  I am so thankful for her life.  SO thankful for the lessons we have learned through our journey with her.  Thankful for the deepened love Jeff and I share and how much more I appreciate hearing the laughter of our children and studying their innocent faces.  I am Thankful Immaculee is in heaven and will never know earthly sorrow or pain.  I am thankful for everyone who has reached out to us in our loss.  I never thought that I'd be able to look back at this whole experience and say that I am thankful for it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat even if it meant heartbreak. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ 

Joy...

One of the things I am so greatful for is that there is still joy in our lives.   In the first days after loosing Immaculee there were overwhelming feelings of numbness.  I wondered if we'd ever experience true joy again.  There was joy when our children and family held her for the first time.  Joy when we gave her a proper funeral and burial and pockets of joy in everday moments with our healthy children. 

This past Friday the Kuhlman family welcomed another member.  My high school classmates and now husband and wife Paul and Jessica (Slaba) Kuhlman were gifted with a healthy baby boy named Cooper.  Their family is special to us in so many ways.  We are raising our children with some of the same Kuhlman get togethers that Jeff and Paul shared as children. Jessica and I go way back to the days of kindergarten when we were each others first friends.  Over our school years I was lucky enough to watch the chemistry between Paul and Jessica and blessed to have been witness to their wedding vows.  I was honored to have been a day care provider for their first born son Paxton for almost a year.  And we were humbled to have them at the funeral of our little girl just a few weeks ago.  I will never forget the hug Jessica and I shared at the funeral luncheon.  Both of us were at a loss for words but I was so comforted just being in her presence.  It was as though Immaculee's memory was living on when being around her.  I was so happy their love had created another child and happy Jessica's pregnancy had been healthy.  Paul reminded me of Jeff as he stood beside her as the protector of his wife and his child.  Our joy for them was unmeasurable on Friday.  I know in my heart our little angel was an intercessor for them as well. 

Today we watched our girls at their dance/ballet recital.  And still there is joy.  Joy in watching our little girls and all of their innocense bounce and twirl in pink tutus.  They were so adorable!  I can't help but wonder if along with angel wings Immaculee sports a tutu in heaven.

I thank God were were not hardened from our loss.

clinic, blankets and mcdonalds...

After kissing the kids goodbye, on induction day, we drove to Yankton.  We first had to meet with Dr. Eichfeld at the clinic.  We talked with her about what was to come.  We learned that typically inductions like this could take anywhere from a few hours to many hours.  I inquired about pain and was told that some women require epidurals and some don't need anything.  I asked about size, how long she would be, how much she would weigh, and Dr could not really give us an answer because of all Immaculee's complications. She let us know that baby's color, depending on how long she was gone would probably be dark, so to prepare for that.  We were pleased to know who our nurse would be for the day, as she had set this up in advance. 

Before going to the hospital, Jeff and I went to pick out a blanket for Immaculee.  This was the only thing that we could have for her, since she would not fit into clothes.  Talk about the hardest thing to do.  I LOST IT!  I was so overcome with emotion.  I wanted to pick out the most perfect, softest blanket for her.  We found a beautiful one.  I felt like I wanted to do more for her so we looked at the clothes.  I found a cute little newborn size pink and brown sleeper, knowing she would probably never fit into it, it was just instinct, pure instinct for a mommy to clothe her baby.  We looked at hats together but both talked about how they would be way too big.  I could not bring myself to go to the checkout, so Jeff took care of it by himself.  Jeff had made this trip to the checkout in this very store with every baby we have had, he always picked out an outfit to go home from the hospital in by himself.  (since we had never found out the other kids sex).  I lingered in the baby section, trying to hold back any more tears from falling while looking at all of the adorable outfits with a broken heart.  After realizing this was the start of me not being able to have composure, I went to find him.  I started looking at the women's clothing near his checkout and could overhear his conversation with the clerk who had asked him if this was his first child and his first girl.  She was telling him that she had six boys and had always wanted a girl.  Looking through the clothing all I could think about was what a joke fashion is and how nothing in that moment mattered to me but my faith and my family.  We spend countless hours and dollars on things that are such a waste of energy and really do not matter in the scope of our short lives as they are not fruitful.  Here we were in this mall with ladies who were trying to decide between dark wash or light wash jeans and we were about to deliver our dead child, I wanted to scream!  As Jeff was leaving, the clerk told him how lucky he was and to enjoy every minute with his new daughter.  When we met up we automatically locked hands.  With a trip through the Mickey Dee's drive through Jeff started his traditional big mack diet that he always goes on for most meals when we are staying in the hospital with new babies.  We pulled up to the hospital and sat in the parking lot while he finished his food.  Trying to figure out McDonald's monopoly and watching a cute elderly woman park lightened our mood and then hand in hand we entered the hospital.

that morning...

Neither Jeff nor I slept well the night before we went in to be induced.  I remember waking up that morning not wanting to get out of bed.  This was the last time Immaculee would be with us.  We cherished every minute we had together.  We tried so very hard to enjoy life with her and to appreciate each day she was with us because we honestly did not know if and when God would call her home.  There were parts of me that were afraid of what was to come that morning and I would have given anything to keep her inside of me even if it meant putting up with back aches and being tired, I would have stayed pregnant forever. 

            The last day Immaculee was within my womb 8-27-11.

wanted to share with you...

Every sympathy card we have received has meant the world to us.  I opened this card today designed by Vicki Roth and it struck my heart.  Vicki was one of my catechism teachers in high school and has supported me through every major milestone of my life.  She is someone I respect and admire for her faithfulness to our Lord. The card read...

     In the loss of your beautiful daughter, Immaculee, created perfectly according to God's awesome plan, we offer our sympathy and prayers.  May you be comforted in knowing that your precious little one was attended by a host of angels...much like Our Lord was attended while in the womb of Mary! 

I will cherish this and have spent most of the afternoon envisioning this, enough said.

we were gonna have a baby but we had an angel instead...

Right after our Immaculee's initial diagnosis we decided not to tell our children about any complications.  School was just starting and we wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them.  It was decided that we would spare them from any worries.  Jeff was very busy and did not go to the first ultrasound with me.  I figured this was was all routine by now.  I leave work early, go the the ultrasound and do some shopping before going home.  I decided that the girls should come with me that day.  They both spent hours playing "baby Dr." together with lotion for the ultrasound gel and an old, soft ended flashlight for the ultrasound head.  They were definitely excited!  Upon finding out of some complications, Dr Eichfeld was careful when choosing her words around them.  Ginger, my nurse was happy to sit with the girls and eat chocolate with them while the Dr and I talked in the other room.  Mya, being the sharp thing she is, picked up on Immaculee's short limbs.  Kalea was clueless of any abnormalities.  Shortly after, Mya and I discussed our "tiny baby".  She let me know that she was very excited to welcome a tiny baby to our family and did not care that she was going to be different than other babies.

After finding out about Immaculee's death one of the most daunting tasks was how to tell the kids.  Kalea, Bennett and Briggs were with my parents when the kids got home from school that day.  Mya said right away, "Mom I bet you came home from work because you still have that bad headache".  I reassured her that was it and that Grandma and Grandpa had the rest of the kids so I could rest.  It was a nice afternoon, so we sat on the deck with them.  We talked about their day and I will never forget Mya's ability to crack a few jokes.  (Up until then she had been attempting it and they would flop for her!)  Shortly after this we told them that God had different plans for Immaculee and that she was an angel now.  We were both amazed at how well they handled this.  We talked briefly about what heaven must be like and what a special gift having our very own angel was.  We did not share the sex of our baby with anyone and decided to let the know that they had a sister and what her name was.  They wondered what her middle name was and we let them know that we did not have one picked out.  Without hesitation, Bain said "Michelle like Mom's middle name".  His sincerity brought tears to my eyes.

Later that night after Mom and Dad brought the other kids home and Briggs, Mya and Bain were sleeping we told Kalea and Bennett.  When I envisioned telling the kids I thought that Mya and Bain would be the ones to struggle.  I was terribly mistaken.  Both Bennett and Kalea burst into tears.  Kalea sobbed, immediately shouting "NO!"  She sobbed for about fifteen minutes.  She and I sat holding each other while Jeff explained how our angel would forever be with us and be able to see us and that someday we would hold her in heaven.  This seemed to be of comfort to them.  Telling them she was a girl and what her name was brought smiles to both of their faces. 

All of the kids were able to sleep that night and woke up the next day knowing that this was the day their sister would come out of Mommy's tummy.   Knowing she would not be a living baby, they were still excited to hold her and waited with great anticipation.

closure...

I had my Dr. apt this week.  I doctor with Dr. Amy Eichfeld in Yankton.  I just love her.  She has been with me for the last four deliveries.  I feel so confident with her level of skill and some of the sacrifices she has made to deliver me.  I know she has not been on call for some of the deliveries but has stayed with me anyhow.  I looked forward to going to see her and her nurse Ginger.  In so many ways Dr Eichfeld is considered family after going through this event in our lives with her.  We had a nice visit, but more than anything it was awesome to be in company with her again.  It took me back to the day she, so sincerely, broke the news to me that Immaculee's body was broken and reminded me again of the journey we have been on.  Other than Jeff and our nurse she is the only one who witnessed our precious daughter's birth.  She was there taking in the same smells, lighting, emotions and quite possibly feeling God's presence as well as the angels with us.  She did not have to speak any words during my checkup and I still would have felt contentment just being in the room with her again.   

I also stopped in at the hospital, hoping to catch my nurses and speak with Renee, the head of the OB floor, about a memorial.  My nurses were not there that day.  Having had six deliveries at Sacred Heart, all of the faces were familiar to me and they all were sympathetic.  I was able to visit with Jen, one of our past nurses and Renee.  There was something comforting about being at the hospital again and talking with the girls.  So comforting, it was healing to me.  Leaving that day was very hard, we do not know what God has in store for our lives.  I do not know if I will ever step foot on that floor again as a Mommy meeting her child for the first time.  I am content leaving those plans to my creator as he knows best.

Jeff is now done harvesting and we are so happy he is home!!!!  We drove out to Immaculee's grave today after mass as a family.  All of the flowers from her casket spray have died.  I still cannot believe some lasted for almost one month.  Today at home I threw away the last of the flowers from the funeral.  I remember coming home to a flower filled house, wondering how I could ever deal with the flowers dying, imagining an empty home without them.  God really gives us what we need when we need it.  It wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be.  I also made our table smaller.  When we found out we were expecting Immaculee, I started looking for matching chairs.  Sure enough, some turned up and I purchased them without hesitation.  Immediately after bringing them home, I put the extra leaf in the table and set all of the chairs around it with great anticipation.  Today the table and chairs were like an open wound that needed to be fixed and I had to do something about it. 

In so many ways the events of the last few days have brought unexpected closure.  It has been a peaceful closure that I was not expecting the need for.

of the prairie...

It has been a long time since my last blog!  I am doing good.  We are enjoying our hunters being with us and the rich foods and wonderful evening cocktails that accompany them.  Jeff's cousin Michelle and I have even done some home improvements.  What I am finding out about grief is that it is an indescribable feeling.  The past two days have been rough for sure! More than anything I am finding it is just as much physically exhausting as it is mentally.  Today feels as though the fog has lifted as it is a new day and God's glory is coming into my home in the form of sunshine and the sight of the steeple from St. Paul's church is striking.  The view from our home is breathtaking.  I love my prairie and the simplicity that goes with it.  The beauty of the morning takes me back to where I was in Immaculee's story.

Jeff and I felt very grateful that we were able to meet with Father David Tickerhoof.  The day we found out we lost Immaculee Father Dave was just a phone call away.  We met with him to start funeral preparations and to have him pray with us.  Father Dave is an awesome holy man of God that has taken his vocation very seriously.  He has the ability to preach on controversial subjects that could leave the hard hearted only feeling more bitter, instead they leave softened and most, with a changed heart.  "Tickerhoof" has always been our guy.  He married Jeff and I, shares Jeff's passion for the Steelers, hears our confessions, offers us the Blessed sacrament every Sunday, is there when we need advice, baptized all of our children and now was preparing our little girl's funeral.  He and the sisters; Miriam, Pat and Inez had been praying for Immaculee and my health since her initial diagnosis.  This, to us was the best thing.  I pictured them in the church chapel during daily mass, evening prayers and Eucharistic adoration praying for us and our family.  In Marty, and the rest of the universal church it is so taken for granted that a priest or any religious would be available at the drop of a hat.  This is their life and they live it 24/7.  Priests and sisters of the prairie, our simple, comfortable prairie, where Christ in the blessed sacrament and prayers are offered daily.  I thank God for the gift of them and pray they to be blessed with good health so they can continue HIS work.

always remember part 2...

Kim and Spark, Jeff's sister and brother in law were the next to stop in at our house that day.  I LOVE THEM!  They are a great witness of a close marriage and we are so happy we have had the opportunity to watch their 4 boys grow into men.  They are both one in a million and we have the most fun when we get together as everything is laughter.  Spark put aside his wise cracks that day and had a sincerity in his eyes that broke my heart.  So much so that I tried not to make direct eye contact with him because I'd cry.  It was no surprise that Kimmy would come over as she had been such a support for both of us through Immaculee's pregnancy.  She and I cried together and when we could not cry anymore we took out Immaculee's many ultrasound pictures and looked through them.  In that moment I cherished all the hours we had looked through the womb at our baby girl and was saddened we'd never get to watch her kicking, dancing and sticking her tongue out at us again.  I am grateful we had this moment together with Immaculee's Auntie Kim and Uncle Sparkie.  They love her like they love our other children, like their own.

I will always remember...

Some major things stick out in my mind the day we found out Immaculee went to heaven.  Tom and Mary Jo, Jeff's parents were the first to come over and give their condolences.  My Mother in law and my husband have the most incredible bond and relationship.  I continue to be in awe of it.  They cherish each other and without ever having to talk about something, know what the other will say.  He has always and will always treat her like a lady, a queen.  I can only hope for that kind of bond with my boys.  Something deeper happened that day.  It was something I have witnessed only two other times while being married to my husband at our wedding and at his Uncle Pat's funeral.  Most people in our family "get"  how the Kuhlman men function.  They come across as these rough, gruff, tough guys but really their interior is a soft, pushover teddy bear who would be the first to show up on your doorstep if you ever needed something.  Jeff and his Dad have this unique relationship in which the rough gruffness is exposed more than the softness.  They have the ability to tell one another where to go when frustrated, but can turn around and talk about how much rain the neighbors got a few minutes later.  I will always remember the sight of Tom hugging his son.  All manliness aside, a flat out I'm your Dad and you are my son hug.  The kind of hug Dads give their 6 year old sons.  The kinds of hugs Jeff gives to our boys.

Our world slipped away...

Before I begin tonight, I just want to appologize for my incorrect use of commas and run on sentances...English was never my favorite subject!  Please bear with me! 

     I eventually was able to sleep for about 3 hours early Monday morning.  When I woke up I still had a headache.  I contemplated not going to work that day but it was a fleeting thought as I hoped as I got going this morning, my headache would go away and life would be back on track.  I took the kids to Mom and Dad's before going to work, the usual morning routine.  That morning I could not stand the thought of leaving them and broke down when giving them their goodbye hugs and kisses.  Of course my parents questioned what was going on but I blamed it on not getting enough sleep the night before.  Getting to work that day was a good thing as I had time to enjoy a cup of coffee while visiting with my favorite Occupational Therapist Nicole Holzbauer before my first patient arrived.  The morning flew bye with many distractions.  During lunch I realized I had not felt Immaculee move at all.  Taking every ounce of courage that was in me I went to ask the ultrasound tech, Julie, to check on my baby.  I have had the honor of being around Julie other than at work.  She is someone who spiritually I look up to and enjoy being with at various church functions.  I felt good she was with me during this moment.  I had explained the situation to her as she took her time going back and forth over my womb with the ultrasound head.  With the sincerest of words and true sympathy she told me the words I had feared.  I somehow managed to stay dry eyed until I got back to my office.  I had to tell my Boss Joe what was going on and I lost control of my emotions and let him know I would be leaving and uncertain of when I would return.  Joe is a good Boss and family man and was completely understanding as he gave me his sympathies.  I tried hard to reach Jeff by phone not remembering that he was at a funeral for Laverne Mazerek.  I waited for him to come back from the cemetary thinking that I was in the best place I could be for having been crying.  While waiting Father Richard returned and asked me to remind him again of my due date.  Again, not being able to contain myself I tearfully told him of my sadness and asked that he pray with me.  I will never forget how meaningfull that was or how much strength was given to me at that minute.  Just then my Jeff came back with other members of the Kuhlman family.  I had told them that I was on my lunch break and decided to stop and give my condolances.  I had asked Jeff to walk with me back to the van.  As we walked I told him that we had lost our precious baby.  I felt his devistation as he put his arm around me.  He, at that moment in time, was a father who had lost his child.  My heart ached for him as we sat in his pickup making a call to the Doctor.  I went home and he followed shortly after.  I wanted to get as much done as I could before we went in for labor induction the next day.  I started a load of laundry and then laid in bed as my body could not physically do anything.  Jeff was home by now and we could not find words to speak other than officially giving her the name Immaculee and holding on to each other as tightly as we could for it was the one thing that was certain.  The certaintly we clung to as our world was slipping away.

It's been almost two weeks...

     So, one of the suggestions I had during our hospital stay with Immaculee was to journal my thoughts to help with the healing process. There is so much to say it feels as though I can never get all of my thoughts documented!  What a roller coaster of emotions we have been on the past fourteen days.  It all started two weeks ago Sunday.  I woke up that morning with a headache.  Strange, me having a headache, I never have headaches when I'm pregnant and all I could think of was Dr. Palmquest's concerns of me developing pre-eclampcia.  (because of Immaculee producing too much fluid with her lymphatic system, it put me at a higher risk than with a "normal" pregnancy.)  I started connecting all of the dots... I had not felt her move for three days but this was our usual.  Because of her having short limbs and my placenta being in the front this time, I did not feel her everyday, in fact I had just started feeling her about three weeks prior to this.  The longest I would go without feeling her kick was three days.  I remember thinking "I will feel her kick tomorrow at work", I always felt her as I sat on the stool and spent alot of time in the hunched over position.  As for the headache that intensified as the day progressed with feelings of light headedness I would go to work and get a blood pressure cuff and stethascope to monitor things at home.  Once at home and having Jeff help me we realized it was a little higher than usual.  "So there we have it, I am starting early pre-eclampcia, this could be the start of something unknown, something scary."  Jeff came to bed and I wept and wept.  I had not cried this hard since her initial diagnosis.  "Why on earth am I so emotional?"  I tried to sleep that night but kept finding myself watching the clock. 


I will try to update this daily to tell the story of our little Immaculee in full.