I have always been a firm believer in children being able to see things that we adults cannot see. Maybe it is their ability to believe without ever questioning. Perhaps we as adults don't take the time to be still and listen with curiosity. Or maybe God chose only the innocent to reveal certain things to.
As we relive this week of Immaculee's birthday I am reminded of my Bennett. On this night one year ago today, our little two year old would not settle down for bed. Jeff and I tried everything and exhausted our efforts. I brought him to bed with me while Jeff was in the shower. This little fireball was so full of energy that I did not think he would ever settle down for the night. I gave in and laughed and joked with him for awhile. Looking at the time I became frustrated and with little energy left tried to get him to be still. Realizing it was a lost cause, I let him do his thing. About ten minutes later he became very still while looking up at the ceiling and with a serious look and voice told me "Mama, there are angels all up in this room". I the inpatient adult said back to him "Bennett calm down and get some sleep". He again made himself clear and repeated what he had just said and calmed down for the night.
After Immaculee was born Dr. Eichfield told us she thought that she had been gone for about three days. At that moment everything clicked. How foolish I was not to have known I was in the presence of something magnificent. I am convinced that God sent Angels to take our baby to heaven. I am so grateful God revealed this to my little Bennett and find such comfort in it.
Lately it seems as though I am reliving the events that unfolded for roughly a month from the time of Immaculee's diagnosis till the time of her death. I remember Dr. Eichfield telling me that someone from Sanford would be contacting us to set up our first appointment. I remember that phone call. We were scheduled to see a Geneticist, scheduled for an ultrasound then scheduled to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. I still remember his name as though it will be with me forever. We were set up for the Wednesday before Labor Day. It was after this phone call that I realized nothing about this was going to be routine or uncomplicated from this point on.
We had to wait four days to get "answers". As anyone who has ever had to wait for medical diagnosis, time is the worst enemy. By this time I had given myself ample opportunity to research Immaculee's primary diagnosis of a Cystic Hygroma (a wet tumor on the back of her neck). The knowledge of her short limbs was something that seemed so very minor.
The first appointment of the day was with the Geneticist. He was trying to get to the core of why we were expecting a child such as Immaculee. We went through extensive questions about our family history. He tried to explain, as best he could, possible diagnosis that usually accompany Cystic Hygromas and short limbs. Of course we could not escape his conversation without him bringing up our "options". Little did we know this would be the first trigger of our day. Jeff and I were holding hands upon his mention of this and I could feel him tense up, his facial expressions and the muscles in his body. We made it very clear that we would not take the life of our child. If God's will for her was to die then he would make that decision for us. I could tell this man knew he struck a cord with my husband and tried to sugar coat his previous statement.
After finishing with the Geneticist it was time for our ultrasound. We sat in the waiting room for what seemed a good half hour. My mind kept thinking that all of this had to be a dream. I told Jeff, "Honey, wouldn't it be a miracle if when we go in to have our ultrasound they tell us that there is nothing wrong and that our baby is perfectly healthy!" He did not skip a beat and told me that our baby was already a miracle, she was a miracle for being created and for making it this far along gestationally with all of her complications.
This one statement made me fall in head over heals in love all over again with my husband. How true his statement was and still is!
Greetings from the land of the busy Mama! I really can't believe that it has been so long since my last post!! I'll just say Summer was busy and brought a quiet wave of grief that was so often not expressed. I can't believe we are approaching Immaculee's one year birthday this month. It's as though I would not even have to look a calender to know that this date is coming. My body feels it coming on. A mother knows, she senses these things. We were made to never forget our children, even if they are heavenly, not earthly. Immaculee spent 24 weeks within me and my mind, heart and body can never forget that.
Tonight while en route to come home from picking the kids up from my parents house, after work, my Jeff called. His voice as sincere as ever. He wanted to let me know that the "stone" was here. (We have been waiting for Immaculee's head stone for months. Both realizing that good things come to those who wait we were content with waiting. The only hope we had was that it would get here by the 27th.)
Jeff was waiting on the front step for us with the same look I saw a year ago during all of the genetic tests, waiting, labor/delivery and her funeral. My sweet, vulnerable Jeff! We drove out to the cemetery to find the most perfect memorial for our baby. Tears of joy engulfed me upon this site!! We can not believe how perfect it looks.
I praise you Father for the peace that is here in my heart!
