Lord, it is good that we are here...

     Eventhough it was weeks ago, my heart and mind are still trying to process the beautiful Memorial Day ceremony our church put on.  I never expected to yearn for my church family as much as I have during my years as a wife and mother.  It is with much love and joy that I look forward to Sunday Mass and to visiting with members of our church.  Father Dave and the Sisters certainly know how to embrace the children God has given them. 

     Jeff and the little boys did some farming that morning as we had spent much time at Immaculee's grave the day before.  Mya and Bain were camping with friends, so were not able to go with us.  Kalea, along with Jeff's Mom, Mary Jo and my parents were once again a great support system for me on that day.  I had to keep reminding myself of how new this whole experience was to us all.  Here our parents were visiting the grave of their youngest grandchild on memorial day.  This picture did not seem right.  I can't imagine the grief they have felt through this whole process.  Their's had to be magnified more than I can begin to comprehend.  Watching your children grieve, and your grandchildren grieve while they themselves grieved. 

Making sure everything looks good on little sister's grave.

Kalea and Mommy during the prayer service

Walking to Immaculee's grave with Mary Jo and Sister Miriam

Dad lead the rosary while we waited for Father to come bless the grave.  Probably my favorite part of the day!  (Notice how Mom is not in any of the pictures?  Thanks for photographing Mom!!)

I can't help but wonder where her guardian angel stands guard.

Blessing with holy water.

Father telling us the number of Masses that have been offered for our family since Immaculee's passing and how even though her life was very short she continues to touch other's while the purpose of her life is still unfolding.

A gift from the Mary Kuhlman family.  We received this the weekend of Immaculee's due date.

I was happy one of my favorite little Mamas and I could share in the day.  Chiara (Cournoyer) Bruguier with her children  Our Kalea Jo is named after her Kalia Morning Star.  (Kalia Morning Star on the far right)

Everyone lining up to thank the Veterans

The sounds of Native drums filled the air.

Our baby's peaceful spot

Eagle flying over the cemetary right before the ceremony. 


The day was a great reminder of God's eternal love for us, and the Hope that we have.

hey baby...

It doesn't get any better than this...

Grandpa Mike says baby has Mommy's nose!

One of the baby's favorite positions, arm up by the head.  Just how Mya used to sleep!

Nice leg and foot!

Another leg shot with the umbilical cord inserting into the placenta.

Left arm

A picture of baby opening and closing his/her mouth.  Daddy says he/she is singing the lyrics to Springsteen!

20 weeks...

We have our 20 week ultrasound today.  I have been reflecting for quite some time now about the sheer irony of this past year.  In my mind school ending was the trigger for all of these thoughts.  We started the school year out with joyful anticipation of Immaculee's 20 week ultrasound, and we ended the school year with joyful anticipation of this baby's 20 week ultrasound.  Filling in the blanks of what happened in between the beginning and the end of the school year seems like a dream.  I still really cannot wrap my mind around all that has happened.  Time is healing us and the blessings of Immaculee's short life continue to unfold in our daily lives and the lives of our parents and siblings.  I believe we will never fully know how many people were touched by her life.  I cannot help but think back to the eve of Immaculee's 20 week ultrasound.  How ignorant I was to take for granted that we would roll into town, get a sneak peak of our healthy baby, pick up groceries on the way home and return to life as usual.  Everything changed on that day, everything!  From that moment on, everything was different, each hour had a numbness to it, each night seemed like morning would never come and that gut wrenching crying would never cease.  Our Faith was challenged, our Love put to the test and our Hope deepened.  We clung to the hope of miracles but surrendered to God's infinite wisdom and His will.  I think about all of the people who have been there for us and helped us through this school year.  And I think of our children, the life lessons they have had to learn and the sadness that accompanies them.  I think of their little minds and hearts and how they even began to process all that has happened in their world.  I think of them holding the body of their Sister after she was born and their innocent questions.  It seems like an awful lot for a family to go through, but it has made us stronger, our Faith stronger, our Hope stronger and our Love stronger.  So today, I will go to the ultrasound of this new baby, with a prayer that all would be well and if it is not, that Christ would give me the strength to surrender to God's will once again.

Mya on the first day of school 2011-2012

Bain receiving his Kindergarten diploma for the year 2011-2012


I heard this song just a few days after Immaculee's ultrasound and fell in love with it, it summed up my feelings and still does.  I knew in the moment of diagnosis that God would carry us through and in the end everything would be OK.  I just did not know the road he was going to take us down and definitely did not expect so many wonderful things happening during the shedding of our tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vF4tc9QREY

International Bereaved Mother's Day...

I was a little late with this one.  International Bereaved Mother's Day was celebrated on May 5th.  It is nice to know this exists.  Looking back on Mother's Days past, I have been completely oblivious to those Moms around me who might have been experiencing heart ache on such a special day.  To all those Moms who have lost children from babies on up to adults, Happy Mother's Day.  Here's hoping that through the journey you find peace, the kind of peace that only Christ can give. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

A good day....

I was able to hear our baby's heartbeat yesterday during a checkup, sigh of relief!  Everything is on track and looking good!  The next appointment is in four weeks and we will have a 20 week ultrasound at that time.  Time sure is flying!  As if that was not enough goodness for one day I was also able to see some of my favorite nurses from the OB floor at Avera Sacred Heart!!  I was finally able to part with this beautiful picture we have had in our home since Christmas.  (truth be told, I bought another just like it!)  I was going to keep this with us until my next trip to Yankton, but just could not let it go!  We wanted to do a memorial for the hospital in memory of our Immaculee and tossed around ideas for awhile.  Jeff came up with this idea.  Sister Pat Mylott had given us a small picture copied from the computer after we had Kalea and it has been hanging on one of our walls ever since.  I've always loved it, but never imagined the reality of Jesus holding one of our babies close to him someday. 

                                                                                  (left to right)  Jen, myself, Renee and Kim

Jen also has five children at home and has cared for almost all of our babies.  She has such a fun personality, is so sincere and very supportive.  Renee is a former "Wagner girl", whoop, whoop!  She does an awesome job as the head of the department.  Even though she has a status that is higher than the other nurses, she is always ready to jump in and help with anything on the floor.  Kim, the angel that helped deliver and care for our angel. She treated Immaculee (and the rest of us )with such dignity and respect .  Yesterday was the first time I've seen Kim since she helped load us into our van at the hospital, needless to say, I got a little choked up.   Love you girls, you are like family to us.

 Amazing, isn't it?

I never thought that I'd be presenting this picture to the hospital while expecting another baby!  Bittersweet I guess.  Still grieving the loss of one child while joyfully awaiting the arrival of another.  One day at a time.  

EASTER JOY...

It is no secret that my blogging has slowed down.  Much of my focus over the last few months has been on getting sleep, keeping the early sickness of the first twelve weeks of pregnancy at a minimum and managing my time in a manner that is family focused.  It is not that I do not think of writing, everyday there are things I think about writing, and in due time it will all come out over the keyboard of my computer. 


By now most of you have heard our wonderful news!  Expecting our seventh child has been a true blessing.  We are so very happy, Jeff, myself and the kids.  It's incredible to think that this baby was conceived around the time of Immaculee's due date.  I can't help but think she had a hand in all of this.  So we move forward one day at a time trying not to focus too often about this baby's due date or the sight of our children holding this child.  But just to relish in the everyday, thanking God for his goodness and that we have another day with this baby.  Thanks so much for all of the support, it's nice to know we are being thought of and prayed for.

healthy baby at 14 weeks

This past Easter was a beautiful one.  Never before has the Resurrection stirred up so much contemplation in this lady.  I wonder if I would have felt this way had it not been for loosing Immaculee.  To think that our Blessed Mother stood with a broken heart, shattered dreams, completely and utterly confused at the foot of the cross.  I have correlated my sorrows with hers in the past but it is mind blowing to think that just as her child was raised from the dead, someday mine will be also.  It was with great focus and curiosity that we celebrated this year.  We have told the kids (just as the church teaches) ever since the day Immaculee died that someday Jesus would make her new again, he would raise her from the dead at His second coming.  Sometimes I am taken back by how intently they believe this and even plan for it.  It is brought up on daily basis at our house.  In fact Bennett told me recently that when he gets enough money, he is going to buy a very tiny horse, so when Jesus makes Immacuee come out of the ground she can have a horse to ride.  Kalea wants to buy little things for her whenever we go shopping or she wants to keep her clothes out that do not fit her anymore so Immaculee has something to wear when she comes again.  Child like belief, pure and innocent.  I am so thankful for these reminders that surround me.  And so it is, HE IS TRULY RISEN, HE IS MAKING ALL THINGS NEW AGAIN.  I BELIEVE IN THE RESURRECTION OF THE BODY AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE LIFE OF THE WORLD TO COME. 

Mother, do not cry for me, all of this is exactly how it is supposed to be.

The hospital...

     There are many things that ran through my mind when we entered the doors of the hospital on that late September day.  After having had five healthy children it was extremely hard to deal with this new reality that we would not be taking a living baby home with us.  Trying to push those old experiences to the side and keep them there was a challenge.  Immaculee deserved all of our focus, no old memories or experiences, only new ones today.  There was anxiety and fear that loomed over my head that if given into could have taken over and sent me running back out the doors.  I asked God to help me focus on taking things one step at a time.  I still remember the smell of the ink from the newspapers in the lobby, the aroma from the coffee lingering through the hospital entrance, the warm smile on the volunteer's face and the knot in my stomach as we rode in the elevator.  I was looking for something on the other side that would make all of this partially joy filled or hopeful.  I remember approaching the nursery with the desire to see new life.  The desire to know that all was still right with the world as ours had come crashing down.  Sure enough there was a tiny baby with a pink hat lying in her crib when we walked by the nursery.  I did experience joy in that moment and it was a comfort to me to see that small miracle.  My joy soon turned to sadness as we turned the corner and walked down the hallway to the nurses station.  We did not have so say a word to them, you could sense their sadness for us.  Our nurse Kim was waiting with compassionate hugs for both of us.  I tried to keep partial composure.  Kim walked us to the last labor and delivery room at the end of the hallway.  Once inside, she encouraged us to take our time and when we were ready to crack the door.  From this point on, we did take things one step at a time.  I sat on Jeff's lap and cried for a few minutes, we talked about every other time we'd arrived in a labor and delivery room and how we had so seriously taken our five healthy, living, breathing child birth experiences for granted.  I am not sure what prompted me to get a picture of myself pregnant before changing, but I will be forever grateful for this picture, as it helps keep her memory alive.  I changed into my gown and robe and sat in the window with the sun on my back and Jeff at my side.  Together we waited for Kim to return.