They are here!

Any woman who has ever been pregnant will tell you that sharing her pregnancy with a fellow "pregger"  is something they will remember and correlate dates with for the rest of their life.  There is an unspoken bond, a sisterhood that goes along with the protruding bellies.  It may not even be someone they know very well, a friend of a friend or perhaps just an acquaintance.  During my pregnancy with Immaculee I was happy to share the experience with some wonderful women!  I am so excited for all of them and their families!  Some of the babies were first for these women, others were second or third children.  I am elated that these little ones have arrived healthy and safe and that their Mama's are doing great! 

Welcome to the world sweet babies, may you always know you are loved and cherished!

Cooper Gene

Rylan Michael

Cade Nicholas
Luke Robert

Austin Brielle

Kahler Lee

Brock Nolan

Ella Grace

update...

Wow, it has been awhile!  Things around here are getting easier as the recent wave of grief was pretty intense.  It's crazy how I continue to experience the ups and downs.  I know that this can last for a year or longer and am giving in to all of it. 

Jeff and I were able to get away for four days and celebrate our upcoming ten year anniversary!  It was wonderful to have each other all to ourselves.  Thanks to our parents for keeping the kids!  We enjoyed time at the new Grand Falls Casino Resort near Sioux Falls.  We ate, drank, shopped and had us some lazy time.  I would highly recommend the resort to anyone, especially the spa!  While we were away we picked out a headstone for Immaculee.  It was harder than I thought it would be, but we made it through.  Jeff had some awesome ideas of things he wanted to include on the stone, the man continues to amaze me.  He is my rock.  (Immaculee, your Daddy loves you so much!)

Other than dealing with the daily what should have been or what could have been, I continue to feel blessed to have my family and my faith.  I experienced an overwhelming comfort two weeks ago at the celebration of Mass.  I have always believed that Christ is truly present in the Holy Eucharist, without a doubt.  Feeling extreme sadness one Sunday as I approached Him, calm soon came over me and I made the connection that this same Lord I was about to receive is the same Lord that holds my baby girl in heaven.  I felt a new dimension to my relationship with God that was altogether different than any connection I have had with Him before. I am so amazed at how in those moments when I receive Him, he allows a brief closeness of Immaculee and I through Him.  His blessings continue.


http://www.therealpresence.org/eucharst/mir/engl_mir.htm

http://www.therealpresence.org/eucharst/holycom/holycomm.htm

January 21, 2012 (due date)

MY MIND
As I sit here writing tonight, I really do not know how I have gotten to this time and date.  Looking back, the last few months seem like a fuzzy memory to me.  It's like when you are driving and all at once, you don't recall going past land marks, but you know you did.  That's what it feels like for me.  I have been living daily life, but don't recall some of the events of daily life that have happened. 

MY BODY
I believe my body still thinks that I am pregnant.  I have been struggling with sleep for probably the last month or so.  I have a hard time going to sleep and wake up during the night.  I can't say that I am stressed or have anything major on my mind, I just can't sleep normally.  The first couple weeks of this, I was really trying to analyze what was going on.  Then I recalled the same sleeping habits with  previous five pregnancies.  The last month of pregnancy, I just struggled to fall asleep and would wake up during the night.  I really can't say that I was uncomfortable, I just could not sleep.  I have been struggling to loose some weight and my body has been clinging to its pregnancy pounds.  There are others, but I will spare you the info. 

MY SPIRIT
Today I am in a fairly decent mood, I have had my "poor me" moments; moments of crying and moments of numbness.  Overall I am just feeling empty.  I just want to hold her again.  I would love to know what she looks like right now and long for her to come to me in my dreams.  (I have been told that this will happen and understand that it could take years, so I wait patiently.)  I also know that we will see her again someday and cling to the promise of eternal life.

I guess through nothing short of God's grace I have made it to this day and almost through it.

Isaiah 30:15

By waiting and by calm you shall be healed, in quiet and in trust your strength lies.  Isaiah 30:15


I found this today while cleaning in the office.  Amy Doom, one of my dearest friends (and one of my biggest prayer warriors) sent us a card while I was pregnant with Immaculee and included this Bible verse.  Amazing how some verses are so versatile!  What I thought this verse meant to me just took on a whole new meaning.  Love it!!

Here it comes...

     We have been receiving letters from formula companies for about a week now.  They all are putting their pitch in for our business.  What they don't know is that our heavenly baby does not require such products and that this Mama aches a little inside each time I see one come through the mail.  Normally this was a sweet reminder of what was to come, a tiny baby relying solely on Mommy for nutrients.  This time around it is just a cruel reminder of what should have been. 


     The calender is not shy about hiding the reality that the 21st is right around the corner.  Jeff and I were talking about this over the weekend and I asked him, "I wonder how I will handle it,  Do you think I will be a wreck?  Or will it be just another day to me?"  I have obviously been on edge lately.  I find myself short with the kids and with Jeff.  I am not a person to pick fights but I definitely feel like I could.  I feel angry!  I have screamed, wanted to punch a wall, and would rather be silent than engage in most conversations.  I want to cry (allot) and at times, look for a reason to do so.  I find myself being justified in my feelings, because I have really never felt true anger about this loss and I've been told to expect it and embrace it.  I guess it is starting to creep in and that is a good thing, because it means I am grieving in a normal way.  I had listened to a woman talk about the loss of her infant child during an interview.  The interviewer asked the question, "what advice would you give to other women faced with the loss of a child?"  The woman's responses were extremely rich in wisdom and my favorite was, "to always tell God how you are feeling". 


So, here I am Lord! I know your plan is an extension of your love for me and that through this loss you are drawing me ever closer to you.  But I come to you angry, my baby should be in my arms and she is not.  Help me to find my way back to your perfect peace.

And so this is Christmas...

I'm back again!  I took some time off from technology to soak up all of the sites and sounds from our home and just really relish in the Christmas graces.  I hope all of you are enjoying this season!  I keep telling the kids that we are STILL celebrating Christmas.  How fast the world wants us to forget!  Good thing I have Christmas music on CD and DVR, cause it can't be found on radio and most TV stations. 

One of my greatest joys this Christmas was that our parents and Jeff's brother Jason got to witness all of the commotion after coming home to find that Santa had come during Mass on Christmas Eve .  It was so special having them with us!  I love that our children had both sets of grandparents and that our parents were able to relive special moments from our childhoods.  It was also a treat to have five extra adults to assemble toys and gadgets with us! 

We went to the nursing home Christmas day to visit my Grandmother and I enjoyed her enjoying my kids.  I was taken back to my childhood and going to her home for Christmas Eve, so many good times.  Yet, that day, she was there in the nursing home, not able to get out and join in the family celebration for the first time in her life.  The leader of the pack now sitting in a wheelchair relying on others for basic needs.  It's funny how life comes full circle isn't it?

The days after Christmas have brought us many unforgettable moments with family and friends, that will be cherished forever.  Jeff's sister Kelly and her husband Ben joined us for most of last week and it was awesome to have them with us again!  They are so special to us.  Christmas on my side of the family was wonderful as well!  Our newlyweds to be, my brother Ryan and his pretty Brittany got us all thinking of the fun we will have celebrating with them in July.  My brother Ross and his girlfriend Jen brought even more fun to the table when playing cards.  I can't imagine this holiday without family and our children near us.

My emotions did not fully rear their head until the day after Christmas.  I was hit with my sadness like a ton of bricks that boxed me in and there was no escaping.  I found myself crying for most of the day, unexpected, I have to admit.  I thought that Christmas Eve or Day would be horrible.  But, no, the day after!  I think I was so focused on getting all of the food and presents ready that my emotions took a backseat.  (She was so thought about on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, in fact Mass was a hard thing to get through dry eyed.  Away in a manger took me back to that hospital bed where we held our little girl for the first time.)  We celebrated Christmas with Jeff's family on this Monday.  I know they have seen me and my tears before but for some reason I felt like this should be a happy time and I should not bring others down with me.  I drove out to the cemetery with Kalea in the afternoon, thinking that would help, but it seemed to make things worse.  I tried to keep my distance at home for awhile before going back to the celebration.  Once back, I could keep it in, just barely!  Supper starting and Jeff's Grandpa Bert not joining us for the first time ever was the end for me.  I could feel the unspoken sadness in the room and see it in my husband's eyes.  I fed Biggs off to the side with teary eyes.  When it was time for me to eat I had to go downstairs and let everything loose for quite awhile.  I am happy to say that the night got better.  A little of my brother in laws humor and a hug seemed to be just what I needed.  He hugged me saying that it was OK to cry like hell, that he was there for me like everyone else in the house.  Spark is a septic and waste specialist and assured me that while he is pumping others septic tanks, he is part time counselor.  He offered his services telling me that I would not believe the things people share with him and seek his counsel on!

I thank you Lord for your steadfast love, the memories we have and your abundance of grace and humor during periods of intense grief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, many blessings this new year!

I knew this was going to hurt...

Christmas preparations are pretty much complete at our house.  Jeff and I had a wrapping date tonight while Bain stayed with my parents and the other kids with Jeff's parents.  This week has been one of both joy and continued grief.  I was able to spend some time in church in prayer and had a good confession with Father Dave.  We watched the Nativity Story last night, so I feel my heart is ready to receive the Christ child.  Kalea and I spent much time finishing our Christmas baking, and there was the reminder that I will never have this experience with Immaculee.  Bain had his concert at school and I could not stop myself from wondering how cute she would have been up on stage someday.  We went to Bain's Christmas party at school and there again was another reminder of what could have been.  The girls and I crawled into our bed tonight for Christmas vacation snuggling and another void (my belly should be the size of Santa's).  Tonight I had nothing to wrap for my heavenly baby, no way of giving her anything or showing her our love.  It takes total surrender to God.  With trust I know that Christmas in heaven for her will be unbelievable!  I look forward to seeing the faces of our children light up on Christmas Eve and just wish to see Immaculee's.  I wonder who will be holding her, what she is wearing and what that sweet little face of hers will look like.  God give me the grace.