To everything there is a season...

I can't believe that I have not blogged for seven months!  I have been so caught up in the day to day laundry, dishes and housework.  Truth be told, I am soaking up every minute I get with these beautiful children of mine!  We all continue to be on this high that we experienced after Nariah's birth.  Some days feel like a distance dream since Immaculee's death. But, there are moments where the grief is still real, raw and like it was yesterday.  I find myself looking into Nariah's eyes crushed that I will never experience the everyday things with Immaculee like I do with her.  There are those moments that come and go, usually with a lump in my throat, contemplating them with teary eyes.  I stop, honor them and realize that they are significant and important too.  How I would love to bring her back or peek in on her through heaven's window.  On some occasions my imagination runs wild thinking of her and the experiences she might be having in heaven.  I am so thankful for the promise of eternal life!  Our seasons are changing, just like this grief of mine.  But constant is our reason for hope, joy and love. 


The pictures below are located in the "tunnel" at Avera Sacred Heart Hospital in Yankton.  Jeff and I have walked this tunnel with almost every child while in labor.  I love them!  They struck me in a whole new way while in labor with Immaculee.  I think I would make a special trip just to walk past these!

 

 

 

 

There are still stories to tell and emotions to express in time.

 

Bennett and the Angels

I have always been a firm believer in children being able to see things that we adults cannot see.  Maybe it is their ability to believe without ever questioning.  Perhaps we as adults don't take the time to be still and listen with curiosity.  Or maybe God chose only the innocent to reveal certain things to.  

As we relive this week of Immaculee's birthday I am reminded of my Bennett.  On this night one year ago today, our little two year old would not settle down for bed.  Jeff and I tried everything and exhausted our efforts.  I brought him to bed with me while Jeff was in the shower.  This little fireball was so full of energy that I did not think he would ever settle down for the night.  I gave in and laughed and joked with him for awhile.  Looking at the time I became frustrated and with little energy left tried to get him to be still.  Realizing it was a lost cause, I let him do his thing.  About ten minutes later he became very still while looking up at the ceiling and with a serious look and voice told me "Mama, there are angels all up in this room".  I the inpatient adult said back to him "Bennett calm down and get some sleep".  He again made himself clear and repeated what he had just said and calmed down for the night.  

After Immaculee was born Dr. Eichfield told us she thought that she had been gone for about three days.  At that moment everything clicked.  How foolish I was not to have known I was in the presence of something magnificent.  I am convinced that God sent Angels to take our baby to heaven.  I am so grateful God revealed this to my little Bennett and find such comfort in it.   

 

already a miracle...

    Lately it seems as though I am reliving  the events that unfolded for roughly a month from the time of Immaculee's diagnosis till the time of her death.   I remember Dr.  Eichfield telling me that someone from Sanford would be contacting us to set up our first appointment.  I remember that phone call.  We were scheduled to see a Geneticist, scheduled for an ultrasound then scheduled to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr.  I still remember his name as though it will be with me forever.  We were set up for the Wednesday before Labor Day.  It was after this phone call that I realized nothing about this was going to be routine or uncomplicated from this point on. 

     We had to wait four days to get "answers".  As anyone who has ever had to wait for medical diagnosis, time is the worst enemy.  By this time I had given myself ample opportunity to research Immaculee's primary diagnosis of a Cystic Hygroma (a wet tumor on the back of her neck).  The knowledge of her short limbs was something that seemed so very minor. 

     The first appointment of the day was with the Geneticist.  He was trying to get to the core of why we were expecting a child such as Immaculee.  We went through extensive questions about our family history.  He tried to explain, as best he could, possible diagnosis that usually accompany Cystic Hygromas and short limbs.  Of course we could not escape his conversation without him bringing up our "options".  Little did we know this would be the first trigger of our day.  Jeff and I were holding hands upon his mention of this and I could feel him tense up, his facial expressions and the muscles in his body.  We made it very clear that we would not take the life of our child.  If God's will for her was to die then he would make that decision for us.  I could tell this man knew he struck a cord with my husband and tried to sugar coat his previous statement. 

After finishing with the Geneticist it was time for our ultrasound.  We sat in the waiting room for what seemed a good half hour.  My mind kept thinking that all of this had to be a dream.  I told Jeff, "Honey, wouldn't it be a miracle if when we go in to have our ultrasound they tell us that there is nothing wrong and that our baby is perfectly healthy!"  He did not skip a beat and told me that our baby was already a miracle, she was a miracle for being created and for making it this far along gestationally with all of her complications. 

This one statement made me fall in head over heals in love all over again with my husband.  How true his statement was and still is!

much anticipated...

     Greetings from the land of the busy Mama!  I really can't believe that it has been so long since my last post!!  I'll just say Summer was busy and brought a quiet wave of grief that was so often not expressed.  I can't believe we are approaching Immaculee's one year birthday this month.  It's as though I would not even have to look a calender to know that this date is coming.  My body feels it coming on.  A mother knows, she senses these things.  We were made to never forget our children, even if they are heavenly, not earthly.  Immaculee spent 24 weeks within me and my mind, heart and body can never forget that. 

     Tonight while en route to come home from picking the kids up from my parents house, after work, my Jeff called.  His voice as sincere as ever.  He wanted to let me know that the "stone" was here.  (We have been waiting for Immaculee's head stone for months.  Both realizing that good things come to those who wait we were content with waiting.  The only hope we had was that it would get here by the 27th.)

     Jeff was waiting on the front step for us with the same look I saw a year ago during all of the genetic tests, waiting, labor/delivery and her funeral.  My sweet, vulnerable Jeff!  We drove out to the cemetery to find the most perfect memorial for our baby.  Tears of joy engulfed me upon this site!!  We can not believe how perfect it looks. 

     I praise you Father for the peace that is here in my heart!

Lord, it is good that we are here...

     Eventhough it was weeks ago, my heart and mind are still trying to process the beautiful Memorial Day ceremony our church put on.  I never expected to yearn for my church family as much as I have during my years as a wife and mother.  It is with much love and joy that I look forward to Sunday Mass and to visiting with members of our church.  Father Dave and the Sisters certainly know how to embrace the children God has given them. 

     Jeff and the little boys did some farming that morning as we had spent much time at Immaculee's grave the day before.  Mya and Bain were camping with friends, so were not able to go with us.  Kalea, along with Jeff's Mom, Mary Jo and my parents were once again a great support system for me on that day.  I had to keep reminding myself of how new this whole experience was to us all.  Here our parents were visiting the grave of their youngest grandchild on memorial day.  This picture did not seem right.  I can't imagine the grief they have felt through this whole process.  Their's had to be magnified more than I can begin to comprehend.  Watching your children grieve, and your grandchildren grieve while they themselves grieved. 

Making sure everything looks good on little sister's grave.

Kalea and Mommy during the prayer service

Walking to Immaculee's grave with Mary Jo and Sister Miriam

Dad lead the rosary while we waited for Father to come bless the grave.  Probably my favorite part of the day!  (Notice how Mom is not in any of the pictures?  Thanks for photographing Mom!!)

I can't help but wonder where her guardian angel stands guard.

Blessing with holy water.

Father telling us the number of Masses that have been offered for our family since Immaculee's passing and how even though her life was very short she continues to touch other's while the purpose of her life is still unfolding.

A gift from the Mary Kuhlman family.  We received this the weekend of Immaculee's due date.

I was happy one of my favorite little Mamas and I could share in the day.  Chiara (Cournoyer) Bruguier with her children  Our Kalea Jo is named after her Kalia Morning Star.  (Kalia Morning Star on the far right)

Everyone lining up to thank the Veterans

The sounds of Native drums filled the air.

Our baby's peaceful spot

Eagle flying over the cemetary right before the ceremony. 


The day was a great reminder of God's eternal love for us, and the Hope that we have.

hey baby...

It doesn't get any better than this...

Grandpa Mike says baby has Mommy's nose!

One of the baby's favorite positions, arm up by the head.  Just how Mya used to sleep!

Nice leg and foot!

Another leg shot with the umbilical cord inserting into the placenta.

Left arm

A picture of baby opening and closing his/her mouth.  Daddy says he/she is singing the lyrics to Springsteen!

20 weeks...

We have our 20 week ultrasound today.  I have been reflecting for quite some time now about the sheer irony of this past year.  In my mind school ending was the trigger for all of these thoughts.  We started the school year out with joyful anticipation of Immaculee's 20 week ultrasound, and we ended the school year with joyful anticipation of this baby's 20 week ultrasound.  Filling in the blanks of what happened in between the beginning and the end of the school year seems like a dream.  I still really cannot wrap my mind around all that has happened.  Time is healing us and the blessings of Immaculee's short life continue to unfold in our daily lives and the lives of our parents and siblings.  I believe we will never fully know how many people were touched by her life.  I cannot help but think back to the eve of Immaculee's 20 week ultrasound.  How ignorant I was to take for granted that we would roll into town, get a sneak peak of our healthy baby, pick up groceries on the way home and return to life as usual.  Everything changed on that day, everything!  From that moment on, everything was different, each hour had a numbness to it, each night seemed like morning would never come and that gut wrenching crying would never cease.  Our Faith was challenged, our Love put to the test and our Hope deepened.  We clung to the hope of miracles but surrendered to God's infinite wisdom and His will.  I think about all of the people who have been there for us and helped us through this school year.  And I think of our children, the life lessons they have had to learn and the sadness that accompanies them.  I think of their little minds and hearts and how they even began to process all that has happened in their world.  I think of them holding the body of their Sister after she was born and their innocent questions.  It seems like an awful lot for a family to go through, but it has made us stronger, our Faith stronger, our Hope stronger and our Love stronger.  So today, I will go to the ultrasound of this new baby, with a prayer that all would be well and if it is not, that Christ would give me the strength to surrender to God's will once again.

Mya on the first day of school 2011-2012

Bain receiving his Kindergarten diploma for the year 2011-2012


I heard this song just a few days after Immaculee's ultrasound and fell in love with it, it summed up my feelings and still does.  I knew in the moment of diagnosis that God would carry us through and in the end everything would be OK.  I just did not know the road he was going to take us down and definitely did not expect so many wonderful things happening during the shedding of our tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vF4tc9QREY