I knew this was going to hurt...

Christmas preparations are pretty much complete at our house.  Jeff and I had a wrapping date tonight while Bain stayed with my parents and the other kids with Jeff's parents.  This week has been one of both joy and continued grief.  I was able to spend some time in church in prayer and had a good confession with Father Dave.  We watched the Nativity Story last night, so I feel my heart is ready to receive the Christ child.  Kalea and I spent much time finishing our Christmas baking, and there was the reminder that I will never have this experience with Immaculee.  Bain had his concert at school and I could not stop myself from wondering how cute she would have been up on stage someday.  We went to Bain's Christmas party at school and there again was another reminder of what could have been.  The girls and I crawled into our bed tonight for Christmas vacation snuggling and another void (my belly should be the size of Santa's).  Tonight I had nothing to wrap for my heavenly baby, no way of giving her anything or showing her our love.  It takes total surrender to God.  With trust I know that Christmas in heaven for her will be unbelievable!  I look forward to seeing the faces of our children light up on Christmas Eve and just wish to see Immaculee's.  I wonder who will be holding her, what she is wearing and what that sweet little face of hers will look like.  God give me the grace.

How I am coping...

It has been awhile since my last post.  The last two weeks were tough ones!  Giving a child back to God is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I used to say to family in the early days of her diagnosis that it was selfish of me to want to keep her here with us, when she was God's to begin with.  I remember spending hours at night weeping at the thought of how we were going to say goodbye to Immaculee if she made it to term and would die in our arms.  I tried to prepare myself for this situation but never found peace with it.  I kept questioning how God could give us the strength to do so and how I could say goodbye without having regrets.  It's amazing how God had all of that planned and I never had to face my worries.  I would have given anything to have held her live body instead of her sleeping body.  Even if it did mean having her die in our arms.  However, part of me is grateful that God took her in the warmth and quiet of my womb.  Chances are she would have been whisked off to surgery immediately after delivery had she survived.  I am happy for her that she did not have to experience being taken from us and poked and prodded on by doctors and nurses and endured surgery.  I can only imagine her entrance into heaven as we know how much God loves his little ones. 


As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reliving the same seasonal nine month pregnancy with an empty womb, that is all too familiar to me having had two healthy pregnancies during this same season.  I am recalling very meaningful spiritual experiences that I had with Bain and Bennett.  The rosary has always been my biggest and best source of comfort.  I loved reciting the joyful, glorious and luminous mysteries with the boys, correlating Mary's pregnancy with mine.  And envisioning what she must have been experiencing in her body and spirit.  Wondering if Jesus was kicking her as much as my lively boys were kicking me or if she was craving anything out of the ordinary.  My love of the rosary has recently been focused on the sorrowful mysteries and the seven sorrows of Mary.  Who better to ask intercession from than a woman who witnessed her son's brutal death?  She has been there with heartache a million times greater than mine.  I feel that I am not alone in my sorrow when I go to her and God's will becomes easier to bear.  Things continue to be revealed to me as I pray these beads.  What a gift we have in the rosary!


I have been busy with Christmas preparations as is most of the world.  Last weekend I was able to get almost all of my shopping done in Sioux Falls.  Jeff kept Bain and Bennett and my parents Briggs and the girls.  I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and enjoyed their company.  It was good to get away and have some time to myself.  I am now trying to focus on Christ's coming and enjoying this special time with family as it seems to go so fast!  Kalea has been making sure we keep up with baking...love her so much!  Mya and Bain are looking forward to Christmas vacation.  Bennett and his Daddy are inseparable and Briggs has recently discovered Christmas cookies!  I have started running.  I am up to 2.5 miles per day and can't believe how great it has been for me physically but more so mentally.  I seriously cannot believe December is half over!  I hope everyone is enjoying this time and gets lost in its true meaning. 

                      
http://www.sevensorrows.com/explanation.htm

all the pretty things...

I never imagined that I would be decorating a grave for Christmas, but it is my new reality.  Last week the kids picked some things out for Immaculee's grave and yesterday we just had to get them out.  Kalea wanted to go in her pajamas and so she did!  Bennett even took a break from fixing fence to "put all the pretty things on Mack q way's grave"!  We listened to Christmas music from the van while we worked away.  I am having feelings of deep sadness as we turn the calender to December.  I have been down this road with two other pregnancies.  Bennett and Bain were both born in January.  Bennett was on the 24th and Bain on the 20th.  Immaculee's due date was the 21st.  It is my favorite month to have a baby as Jeff is home more and we can stay in our warm house rocking and nursing a new baby with nowhere to go.  I know exactly what I'd be telling the kids today.  "Just think it's already December less than two months before the baby comes.  We know how fast Christmas will be here and we just have a few weeks in January."  I miss my sweet baby girl, God give me strength to get through this.

                           Before picture, the kids were amazed how mushy the pumpkin was.

                                                                     working hard...

                                                        Proud of their accomplishment!

thankful...

I was having a conversation with our son Bain a few nights ago.  He was asking me if Immaculee was still in my tummy how big I would be right now.  I explained to him that I would probably be bigger than a basketball.  He grinned and we talked about how we could have been spending this Thanksgiving.  Part of me was sad.  She still should be in my stomach.  I should have had a plateful of desserts after Thanksgiving dinner and not be worried about getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I should be putting my feet up at night after decorating the house for Christmas with her in my womb.  I should be getting baby clothes out and making sure Briggs is sleeping in a bigger bed.  These are the moments I have to take a deep breath and remember to be thankful that God chose us to carry his angel, even though it was too short.  I remind myself of our healthy children, my awesome husband and that all of our basic needs are met.  I am so thankful for her life.  SO thankful for the lessons we have learned through our journey with her.  Thankful for the deepened love Jeff and I share and how much more I appreciate hearing the laughter of our children and studying their innocent faces.  I am Thankful Immaculee is in heaven and will never know earthly sorrow or pain.  I am thankful for everyone who has reached out to us in our loss.  I never thought that I'd be able to look back at this whole experience and say that I am thankful for it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat even if it meant heartbreak. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ 

Joy...

One of the things I am so greatful for is that there is still joy in our lives.   In the first days after loosing Immaculee there were overwhelming feelings of numbness.  I wondered if we'd ever experience true joy again.  There was joy when our children and family held her for the first time.  Joy when we gave her a proper funeral and burial and pockets of joy in everday moments with our healthy children. 

This past Friday the Kuhlman family welcomed another member.  My high school classmates and now husband and wife Paul and Jessica (Slaba) Kuhlman were gifted with a healthy baby boy named Cooper.  Their family is special to us in so many ways.  We are raising our children with some of the same Kuhlman get togethers that Jeff and Paul shared as children. Jessica and I go way back to the days of kindergarten when we were each others first friends.  Over our school years I was lucky enough to watch the chemistry between Paul and Jessica and blessed to have been witness to their wedding vows.  I was honored to have been a day care provider for their first born son Paxton for almost a year.  And we were humbled to have them at the funeral of our little girl just a few weeks ago.  I will never forget the hug Jessica and I shared at the funeral luncheon.  Both of us were at a loss for words but I was so comforted just being in her presence.  It was as though Immaculee's memory was living on when being around her.  I was so happy their love had created another child and happy Jessica's pregnancy had been healthy.  Paul reminded me of Jeff as he stood beside her as the protector of his wife and his child.  Our joy for them was unmeasurable on Friday.  I know in my heart our little angel was an intercessor for them as well. 

Today we watched our girls at their dance/ballet recital.  And still there is joy.  Joy in watching our little girls and all of their innocense bounce and twirl in pink tutus.  They were so adorable!  I can't help but wonder if along with angel wings Immaculee sports a tutu in heaven.

I thank God were were not hardened from our loss.

clinic, blankets and mcdonalds...

After kissing the kids goodbye, on induction day, we drove to Yankton.  We first had to meet with Dr. Eichfeld at the clinic.  We talked with her about what was to come.  We learned that typically inductions like this could take anywhere from a few hours to many hours.  I inquired about pain and was told that some women require epidurals and some don't need anything.  I asked about size, how long she would be, how much she would weigh, and Dr could not really give us an answer because of all Immaculee's complications. She let us know that baby's color, depending on how long she was gone would probably be dark, so to prepare for that.  We were pleased to know who our nurse would be for the day, as she had set this up in advance. 

Before going to the hospital, Jeff and I went to pick out a blanket for Immaculee.  This was the only thing that we could have for her, since she would not fit into clothes.  Talk about the hardest thing to do.  I LOST IT!  I was so overcome with emotion.  I wanted to pick out the most perfect, softest blanket for her.  We found a beautiful one.  I felt like I wanted to do more for her so we looked at the clothes.  I found a cute little newborn size pink and brown sleeper, knowing she would probably never fit into it, it was just instinct, pure instinct for a mommy to clothe her baby.  We looked at hats together but both talked about how they would be way too big.  I could not bring myself to go to the checkout, so Jeff took care of it by himself.  Jeff had made this trip to the checkout in this very store with every baby we have had, he always picked out an outfit to go home from the hospital in by himself.  (since we had never found out the other kids sex).  I lingered in the baby section, trying to hold back any more tears from falling while looking at all of the adorable outfits with a broken heart.  After realizing this was the start of me not being able to have composure, I went to find him.  I started looking at the women's clothing near his checkout and could overhear his conversation with the clerk who had asked him if this was his first child and his first girl.  She was telling him that she had six boys and had always wanted a girl.  Looking through the clothing all I could think about was what a joke fashion is and how nothing in that moment mattered to me but my faith and my family.  We spend countless hours and dollars on things that are such a waste of energy and really do not matter in the scope of our short lives as they are not fruitful.  Here we were in this mall with ladies who were trying to decide between dark wash or light wash jeans and we were about to deliver our dead child, I wanted to scream!  As Jeff was leaving, the clerk told him how lucky he was and to enjoy every minute with his new daughter.  When we met up we automatically locked hands.  With a trip through the Mickey Dee's drive through Jeff started his traditional big mack diet that he always goes on for most meals when we are staying in the hospital with new babies.  We pulled up to the hospital and sat in the parking lot while he finished his food.  Trying to figure out McDonald's monopoly and watching a cute elderly woman park lightened our mood and then hand in hand we entered the hospital.

that morning...

Neither Jeff nor I slept well the night before we went in to be induced.  I remember waking up that morning not wanting to get out of bed.  This was the last time Immaculee would be with us.  We cherished every minute we had together.  We tried so very hard to enjoy life with her and to appreciate each day she was with us because we honestly did not know if and when God would call her home.  There were parts of me that were afraid of what was to come that morning and I would have given anything to keep her inside of me even if it meant putting up with back aches and being tired, I would have stayed pregnant forever. 

            The last day Immaculee was within my womb 8-27-11.