MY MIND
As I sit here writing tonight, I really do not know how I have gotten to this time and date. Looking back, the last few months seem like a fuzzy memory to me. It's like when you are driving and all at once, you don't recall going past land marks, but you know you did. That's what it feels like for me. I have been living daily life, but don't recall some of the events of daily life that have happened.
MY BODY
I believe my body still thinks that I am pregnant. I have been struggling with sleep for probably the last month or so. I have a hard time going to sleep and wake up during the night. I can't say that I am stressed or have anything major on my mind, I just can't sleep normally. The first couple weeks of this, I was really trying to analyze what was going on. Then I recalled the same sleeping habits with previous five pregnancies. The last month of pregnancy, I just struggled to fall asleep and would wake up during the night. I really can't say that I was uncomfortable, I just could not sleep. I have been struggling to loose some weight and my body has been clinging to its pregnancy pounds. There are others, but I will spare you the info.
MY SPIRIT
Today I am in a fairly decent mood, I have had my "poor me" moments; moments of crying and moments of numbness. Overall I am just feeling empty. I just want to hold her again. I would love to know what she looks like right now and long for her to come to me in my dreams. (I have been told that this will happen and understand that it could take years, so I wait patiently.) I also know that we will see her again someday and cling to the promise of eternal life.
I guess through nothing short of God's grace I have made it to this day and almost through it.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Isaiah 30:15
By waiting and by calm you shall be healed, in quiet and in trust your strength lies. Isaiah 30:15
I found this today while cleaning in the office. Amy Doom, one of my dearest friends (and one of my biggest prayer warriors) sent us a card while I was pregnant with Immaculee and included this Bible verse. Amazing how some verses are so versatile! What I thought this verse meant to me just took on a whole new meaning. Love it!!
I found this today while cleaning in the office. Amy Doom, one of my dearest friends (and one of my biggest prayer warriors) sent us a card while I was pregnant with Immaculee and included this Bible verse. Amazing how some verses are so versatile! What I thought this verse meant to me just took on a whole new meaning. Love it!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Here it comes...
We have been receiving letters from formula companies for about a week now. They all are putting their pitch in for our business. What they don't know is that our heavenly baby does not require such products and that this Mama aches a little inside each time I see one come through the mail. Normally this was a sweet reminder of what was to come, a tiny baby relying solely on Mommy for nutrients. This time around it is just a cruel reminder of what should have been.
The calender is not shy about hiding the reality that the 21st is right around the corner. Jeff and I were talking about this over the weekend and I asked him, "I wonder how I will handle it, Do you think I will be a wreck? Or will it be just another day to me?" I have obviously been on edge lately. I find myself short with the kids and with Jeff. I am not a person to pick fights but I definitely feel like I could. I feel angry! I have screamed, wanted to punch a wall, and would rather be silent than engage in most conversations. I want to cry (allot) and at times, look for a reason to do so. I find myself being justified in my feelings, because I have really never felt true anger about this loss and I've been told to expect it and embrace it. I guess it is starting to creep in and that is a good thing, because it means I am grieving in a normal way. I had listened to a woman talk about the loss of her infant child during an interview. The interviewer asked the question, "what advice would you give to other women faced with the loss of a child?" The woman's responses were extremely rich in wisdom and my favorite was, "to always tell God how you are feeling".
So, here I am Lord! I know your plan is an extension of your love for me and that through this loss you are drawing me ever closer to you. But I come to you angry, my baby should be in my arms and she is not. Help me to find my way back to your perfect peace.
The calender is not shy about hiding the reality that the 21st is right around the corner. Jeff and I were talking about this over the weekend and I asked him, "I wonder how I will handle it, Do you think I will be a wreck? Or will it be just another day to me?" I have obviously been on edge lately. I find myself short with the kids and with Jeff. I am not a person to pick fights but I definitely feel like I could. I feel angry! I have screamed, wanted to punch a wall, and would rather be silent than engage in most conversations. I want to cry (allot) and at times, look for a reason to do so. I find myself being justified in my feelings, because I have really never felt true anger about this loss and I've been told to expect it and embrace it. I guess it is starting to creep in and that is a good thing, because it means I am grieving in a normal way. I had listened to a woman talk about the loss of her infant child during an interview. The interviewer asked the question, "what advice would you give to other women faced with the loss of a child?" The woman's responses were extremely rich in wisdom and my favorite was, "to always tell God how you are feeling".
So, here I am Lord! I know your plan is an extension of your love for me and that through this loss you are drawing me ever closer to you. But I come to you angry, my baby should be in my arms and she is not. Help me to find my way back to your perfect peace.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
And so this is Christmas...
I'm back again! I took some time off from technology to soak up all of the sites and sounds from our home and just really relish in the Christmas graces. I hope all of you are enjoying this season! I keep telling the kids that we are STILL celebrating Christmas. How fast the world wants us to forget! Good thing I have Christmas music on CD and DVR, cause it can't be found on radio and most TV stations.
One of my greatest joys this Christmas was that our parents and Jeff's brother Jason got to witness all of the commotion after coming home to find that Santa had come during Mass on Christmas Eve . It was so special having them with us! I love that our children had both sets of grandparents and that our parents were able to relive special moments from our childhoods. It was also a treat to have five extra adults to assemble toys and gadgets with us!
We went to the nursing home Christmas day to visit my Grandmother and I enjoyed her enjoying my kids. I was taken back to my childhood and going to her home for Christmas Eve, so many good times. Yet, that day, she was there in the nursing home, not able to get out and join in the family celebration for the first time in her life. The leader of the pack now sitting in a wheelchair relying on others for basic needs. It's funny how life comes full circle isn't it?
The days after Christmas have brought us many unforgettable moments with family and friends, that will be cherished forever. Jeff's sister Kelly and her husband Ben joined us for most of last week and it was awesome to have them with us again! They are so special to us. Christmas on my side of the family was wonderful as well! Our newlyweds to be, my brother Ryan and his pretty Brittany got us all thinking of the fun we will have celebrating with them in July. My brother Ross and his girlfriend Jen brought even more fun to the table when playing cards. I can't imagine this holiday without family and our children near us.
My emotions did not fully rear their head until the day after Christmas. I was hit with my sadness like a ton of bricks that boxed me in and there was no escaping. I found myself crying for most of the day, unexpected, I have to admit. I thought that Christmas Eve or Day would be horrible. But, no, the day after! I think I was so focused on getting all of the food and presents ready that my emotions took a backseat. (She was so thought about on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, in fact Mass was a hard thing to get through dry eyed. Away in a manger took me back to that hospital bed where we held our little girl for the first time.) We celebrated Christmas with Jeff's family on this Monday. I know they have seen me and my tears before but for some reason I felt like this should be a happy time and I should not bring others down with me. I drove out to the cemetery with Kalea in the afternoon, thinking that would help, but it seemed to make things worse. I tried to keep my distance at home for awhile before going back to the celebration. Once back, I could keep it in, just barely! Supper starting and Jeff's Grandpa Bert not joining us for the first time ever was the end for me. I could feel the unspoken sadness in the room and see it in my husband's eyes. I fed Biggs off to the side with teary eyes. When it was time for me to eat I had to go downstairs and let everything loose for quite awhile. I am happy to say that the night got better. A little of my brother in laws humor and a hug seemed to be just what I needed. He hugged me saying that it was OK to cry like hell, that he was there for me like everyone else in the house. Spark is a septic and waste specialist and assured me that while he is pumping others septic tanks, he is part time counselor. He offered his services telling me that I would not believe the things people share with him and seek his counsel on!
I thank you Lord for your steadfast love, the memories we have and your abundance of grace and humor during periods of intense grief.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, many blessings this new year!
One of my greatest joys this Christmas was that our parents and Jeff's brother Jason got to witness all of the commotion after coming home to find that Santa had come during Mass on Christmas Eve . It was so special having them with us! I love that our children had both sets of grandparents and that our parents were able to relive special moments from our childhoods. It was also a treat to have five extra adults to assemble toys and gadgets with us!
We went to the nursing home Christmas day to visit my Grandmother and I enjoyed her enjoying my kids. I was taken back to my childhood and going to her home for Christmas Eve, so many good times. Yet, that day, she was there in the nursing home, not able to get out and join in the family celebration for the first time in her life. The leader of the pack now sitting in a wheelchair relying on others for basic needs. It's funny how life comes full circle isn't it?
The days after Christmas have brought us many unforgettable moments with family and friends, that will be cherished forever. Jeff's sister Kelly and her husband Ben joined us for most of last week and it was awesome to have them with us again! They are so special to us. Christmas on my side of the family was wonderful as well! Our newlyweds to be, my brother Ryan and his pretty Brittany got us all thinking of the fun we will have celebrating with them in July. My brother Ross and his girlfriend Jen brought even more fun to the table when playing cards. I can't imagine this holiday without family and our children near us.
My emotions did not fully rear their head until the day after Christmas. I was hit with my sadness like a ton of bricks that boxed me in and there was no escaping. I found myself crying for most of the day, unexpected, I have to admit. I thought that Christmas Eve or Day would be horrible. But, no, the day after! I think I was so focused on getting all of the food and presents ready that my emotions took a backseat. (She was so thought about on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, in fact Mass was a hard thing to get through dry eyed. Away in a manger took me back to that hospital bed where we held our little girl for the first time.) We celebrated Christmas with Jeff's family on this Monday. I know they have seen me and my tears before but for some reason I felt like this should be a happy time and I should not bring others down with me. I drove out to the cemetery with Kalea in the afternoon, thinking that would help, but it seemed to make things worse. I tried to keep my distance at home for awhile before going back to the celebration. Once back, I could keep it in, just barely! Supper starting and Jeff's Grandpa Bert not joining us for the first time ever was the end for me. I could feel the unspoken sadness in the room and see it in my husband's eyes. I fed Biggs off to the side with teary eyes. When it was time for me to eat I had to go downstairs and let everything loose for quite awhile. I am happy to say that the night got better. A little of my brother in laws humor and a hug seemed to be just what I needed. He hugged me saying that it was OK to cry like hell, that he was there for me like everyone else in the house. Spark is a septic and waste specialist and assured me that while he is pumping others septic tanks, he is part time counselor. He offered his services telling me that I would not believe the things people share with him and seek his counsel on!
I thank you Lord for your steadfast love, the memories we have and your abundance of grace and humor during periods of intense grief.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, many blessings this new year!
Friday, December 23, 2011
I knew this was going to hurt...
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
How I am coping...
It has been awhile since my last post. The last two weeks were tough ones! Giving a child back to God is the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to say to family in the early days of her diagnosis that it was selfish of me to want to keep her here with us, when she was God's to begin with. I remember spending hours at night weeping at the thought of how we were going to say goodbye to Immaculee if she made it to term and would die in our arms. I tried to prepare myself for this situation but never found peace with it. I kept questioning how God could give us the strength to do so and how I could say goodbye without having regrets. It's amazing how God had all of that planned and I never had to face my worries. I would have given anything to have held her live body instead of her sleeping body. Even if it did mean having her die in our arms. However, part of me is grateful that God took her in the warmth and quiet of my womb. Chances are she would have been whisked off to surgery immediately after delivery had she survived. I am happy for her that she did not have to experience being taken from us and poked and prodded on by doctors and nurses and endured surgery. I can only imagine her entrance into heaven as we know how much God loves his little ones.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reliving the same seasonal nine month pregnancy with an empty womb, that is all too familiar to me having had two healthy pregnancies during this same season. I am recalling very meaningful spiritual experiences that I had with Bain and Bennett. The rosary has always been my biggest and best source of comfort. I loved reciting the joyful, glorious and luminous mysteries with the boys, correlating Mary's pregnancy with mine. And envisioning what she must have been experiencing in her body and spirit. Wondering if Jesus was kicking her as much as my lively boys were kicking me or if she was craving anything out of the ordinary. My love of the rosary has recently been focused on the sorrowful mysteries and the seven sorrows of Mary. Who better to ask intercession from than a woman who witnessed her son's brutal death? She has been there with heartache a million times greater than mine. I feel that I am not alone in my sorrow when I go to her and God's will becomes easier to bear. Things continue to be revealed to me as I pray these beads. What a gift we have in the rosary!
I have been busy with Christmas preparations as is most of the world. Last weekend I was able to get almost all of my shopping done in Sioux Falls. Jeff kept Bain and Bennett and my parents Briggs and the girls. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and enjoyed their company. It was good to get away and have some time to myself. I am now trying to focus on Christ's coming and enjoying this special time with family as it seems to go so fast! Kalea has been making sure we keep up with baking...love her so much! Mya and Bain are looking forward to Christmas vacation. Bennett and his Daddy are inseparable and Briggs has recently discovered Christmas cookies! I have started running. I am up to 2.5 miles per day and can't believe how great it has been for me physically but more so mentally. I seriously cannot believe December is half over! I hope everyone is enjoying this time and gets lost in its true meaning.
http://www.sevensorrows.com/explanation.htm
As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reliving the same seasonal nine month pregnancy with an empty womb, that is all too familiar to me having had two healthy pregnancies during this same season. I am recalling very meaningful spiritual experiences that I had with Bain and Bennett. The rosary has always been my biggest and best source of comfort. I loved reciting the joyful, glorious and luminous mysteries with the boys, correlating Mary's pregnancy with mine. And envisioning what she must have been experiencing in her body and spirit. Wondering if Jesus was kicking her as much as my lively boys were kicking me or if she was craving anything out of the ordinary. My love of the rosary has recently been focused on the sorrowful mysteries and the seven sorrows of Mary. Who better to ask intercession from than a woman who witnessed her son's brutal death? She has been there with heartache a million times greater than mine. I feel that I am not alone in my sorrow when I go to her and God's will becomes easier to bear. Things continue to be revealed to me as I pray these beads. What a gift we have in the rosary!
I have been busy with Christmas preparations as is most of the world. Last weekend I was able to get almost all of my shopping done in Sioux Falls. Jeff kept Bain and Bennett and my parents Briggs and the girls. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and enjoyed their company. It was good to get away and have some time to myself. I am now trying to focus on Christ's coming and enjoying this special time with family as it seems to go so fast! Kalea has been making sure we keep up with baking...love her so much! Mya and Bain are looking forward to Christmas vacation. Bennett and his Daddy are inseparable and Briggs has recently discovered Christmas cookies! I have started running. I am up to 2.5 miles per day and can't believe how great it has been for me physically but more so mentally. I seriously cannot believe December is half over! I hope everyone is enjoying this time and gets lost in its true meaning.
http://www.sevensorrows.com/explanation.htm
Thursday, December 1, 2011
all the pretty things...
I never imagined that I would be decorating a grave for Christmas, but it is my new reality. Last week the kids picked some things out for Immaculee's grave and yesterday we just had to get them out. Kalea wanted to go in her pajamas and so she did! Bennett even took a break from fixing fence to "put all the pretty things on Mack q way's grave"! We listened to Christmas music from the van while we worked away. I am having feelings of deep sadness as we turn the calender to December. I have been down this road with two other pregnancies. Bennett and Bain were both born in January. Bennett was on the 24th and Bain on the 20th. Immaculee's due date was the 21st. It is my favorite month to have a baby as Jeff is home more and we can stay in our warm house rocking and nursing a new baby with nowhere to go. I know exactly what I'd be telling the kids today. "Just think it's already December less than two months before the baby comes. We know how fast Christmas will be here and we just have a few weeks in January." I miss my sweet baby girl, God give me strength to get through this.
Before picture, the kids were amazed how mushy the pumpkin was.
working hard...
Proud of their accomplishment!
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